Love without Restriction

Image: Matt Artz

I want all the things from a relationship, kisses, snuggles, hugs, and fun, but I just don't want to be held down. Does that mean I’m polyamorous?

Not necessarily, no. Even monogamous people can want a relationship that doesn’t feel restrictive. Good relationships aren’t straitjackets. A perfect relationship buoys you up, it doesn’t tie you down. A good relationship lets you reach further, do more, accomplish more. It’s inspiration, not restriction.

I have heard, I will admit, people who will hear “I want a relationship that doeesn’t hold me down” and immediately scold you for wanting to “have your cake and eat it too” or for lacking “commitment.” It’s a sad testament to the sad state of affairs in modern society that so many people seem to think you cannot have a committed relationship without sacrificing your autonomy.

Now, I don’t think the people who react this way are stupid or mendacious. I think we grow up in a society that indoctrinates us with certain toxic ideas about relationships, holdovers from a long-gone day when women were essentially property, that tells us that relationship and control are synonyms. And many people never challenge, or even examine, the ideas they were inculcated with.

You absolutely positively can have a relationship without being held down. Relationships do not need to mean surrendering your autonomy. My wife and I have been together longer than many people who read this page have been alive. Our wedding vows look like this:

I, [name], commit myself to you, [name], as your spouse to learn and grow with, to explore and adventure with, to build and create with, to support you and respect you in everything as an equal partner, in the foreknowledge of joy and pain, strength and weariness, direction and doubt, for as long as the love shall last. We commit to honor and respect one another and to recognize the agency and essential humanity of each of us.

Why do you want the things that come with a relationship but you don’t want to be held down? Because you value autonomy. Relationships absolutely positively do not have to mean being held down, and you can utterly disregard anyone who tells you otherwise.

The secret in any relationship is to find compatible partners. You are not the only one who feels the way you do. Find other people who value autonomy within a relationship, and don’t demand that you surrender control of your life to your romantic partner.

There is an entire community of people out there who feel the same way you do.

Actually, no, that’s not fair. I take that back. There are entire communities, plural, of people out there who feel the same way you do. Relationship anarchists and solo poly people, for example.

So no, there is nothing wrong with you; yes, you can have long-lasting committed relationships that don’t require you to surrender your autonomy; no, it doesn’t mean you are “afraid of commitment” or “want to have your cake and eat it too,” and yes, many people believe in romantic relationships without control.

But does wanting that mean I’m polyamorous? Do I have to have a non-monogamous relationship to find that?

Not necessarily, no.

The Internet can tell you many things: how to bake brownies, the history of the Han Dynasty, how to re-install Windows, which species of birds are indigenous to Oregon, how to fix a leaky faucet. The Internet, however, cannot tell you who you are.

Are you polyamorous? That’s something you need to discover for yourself.

I will say that any kind of relationship, whether monogamous or not, can support you without confining you. It’s possible to find a monogamous relationship that respects your agency and autonomy.

It might be easier to find that in polyamory, because polyamorous people are already accustomed to challenging the “normal” assumptions about monogamy. But there are restrictive polyamorous relationships, and there are monogamous relationships that allow you freedom. As with anything else, it’s a matter of knowing yourself, and seeking relationships with those who share your values.

You can find a deeper dive into this page in the Spotlight On... series on the More Than Two blog here.