Abuse in Polyamorous Relationships

Image: Louis Galvez

For many years, I have believed that polyamorous relationships are inherently less prone to abuse and coercion than monogamous relationships. I sincerely thought, for a long time, that polyamorous relationships did not permit the type of isolation where abuse thrives. Resources about intimate partner abuse and research on abusive dynamics have long emphasized the role that cutting an abuse survivor off from friends and family play in abuse, to the point that isolating a person from others is often seen as one of the defining elements of abuse. With more people in a relationship, there are more eyes on the situation, and isolation is harder, so polyamorous relationships are less likely to become abusive, right?

Sadly, I was wrong.

I now believe that polyamory confers any particular resistance to abuse. Instead, I believe abuse manifests differently in polyamorous relationships. It’s more complex, it relies more on buy-in from the other people in a polyamorous relationship and from the poly community as a whole, and it’s more complex, but I absolutely believe that abuse is likely just as common in polyamory than it is in monogamy...though it can look quote different.

Isolation vs Social Control

Traditional approaches to intimate partner abuse, at least in Western countries, have long assumed cisgender heteronormative monogamous relationships. The study of abuse dynamics in non-heterosexual relationships is still limited, and in non-monogamous relationships is almost nonexistent.

For a long time, writings about abuse have emphasized social isolation as an abuse dynamic. This makes sense in monogamy; social isolation is the simplest form of social control.

But I think it's more helpful to look at control over an abuse survivor’s social environment than to look at social isolation, because ultimately, that’s what this dynamic is about: power and control. Social isolation is more difficult in polyamory than monogamy. In my experience and observation, this is a crucial area where abuse in polyamory differs from abuse in monogamy. In polyamorous relationships, an abuser is less likely to isolate the survivor, but far more likely to exert control over the survivor’s social circle: “Don’t date that person,” “I want you to go on a date with this person,” pressure to spend less time with some partners, insistence that sexual or intimate access to one person must necessarily come bundled with physical or emotional intimacy with another (“you can’t date me unless you also date this person too”).

As my wife has pointed out, abuse dynamics in polyamorous relationships are in some ways more like abuse dynamics in cults in some ways than abuse dynamics in traditional heterosexual monogamous relationships. With more people in the relationship, manipulation, gaslighting, and so on take on a more social dynamic.

This infographic illustrates some of the ways abuse in polyamorous relationships can look different from abuse in monogamous relationships. You can download a PDF version of the infographic here.

More resources for abuse in polyamorous relationships:

You can find a deeper dive into this page in the Spotlight On... series on the More Than Two blog here.