Tips and Guidelines for your First Group Sex
Image: Be Free
Polyamory isn’t always about group sex...but sometimes it is
Not every polyamorous person wants or is interested in group sex. For those of us who are, group sex is one of the lovely perks of polyamorous relationships, particularly if your lovers are of a similar mind and get along well. Group sex (well, that and group cuddles) are, for me, one of the most delightful parts of polyamorous relationships.
But if you’ve never explored the world of group sex before, your first threesome (or foursome or orgy or whatever) might be a little intimidating. And that’s totally reasonable. There are a lot of moving parts to group sex experiences—literally and figuratively!—so it’s natural to feel a little intimidated at the prospect.
A successful group sex experience is a little different from a successful one on one sex experience. With partnered sex, you are the sole focus of your partner, and vice versa. With group sex, that’s not necessarily the case. Even if, for example, you have a threesome in which everyone is sexually partnered with everyone else, the attention shifts and flows; if you are having a threesome where one person is the focus of two people’s attention, but those two people don’t have sex with each other, that’s even more the case.
Wait, hang on, let’s back up a bit.
You do not need to be bisexual to have a threesome. A threesome (or any form of group sex, really) does not necessarily mean that you will have sex with all the other people there. In fact, even if you have, for example, two women and one man, that doesn’t necessarily mean the man will have sex with both women; I’ve participated in a threesome with two women, one of whom was bisexual and one of whom was lesbian. I had sex with my lover, the bisexual woman, but not with her girlfriend.
There’s an important lesson here: don’t make assumptions.
Navigating Shifting Focus
If you’re accustomed to being the focus of your lover’s undivided attention, and you’re not the person in the middle of the threesome, there will be times when you find yourself out of the spotlight...and that’s okay.
I personally love seeing those I love experiencing pleasure...not in a voyeuristic way, but in a way that just brings me delight. So that’s actually an advantage of group sex for me. Of course, if you are a voyeur—or an exhibitionist!—then group sex is pretty much the ideal way to engage your interests. But that notwithstanding, yes, the attention in a threesome shifts, and there may be times it’s not focused on you, and that’s okay.
Now, having said that, it’s a good general rule to do whatever you can to make all the folks involved feel like they’re part of what’s going on. That may mean anything from not monopolizing the attention of your lover. Small acts of reaching out to make sure everyone is having a good time, making sure everyone feels included, and providing space for all the participants to have fun go a long way.
Of course, if you do find yourself feeling neglected, it’s okay to say so. Group sex is like any other kind of sex, which is to say, it works best with full communication.
Speaking of which...
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
It’s not just about the romantic part of relationships! Communication makes sex better, too. It’s important to know your sexual and physical boundaries. Maybe you are the person in the middle, but double penetration doesn’t float your boat (or maybe it really floats your boat, and you’re hoping for a lot of DP goodness!). Whatever the case, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Talk about what physical things you’re hoping for, yes, of course, but also, talk about what you hope to get out of the experience in other ways as well. And what happens after...group snuggles? Group sleeping? Who gets the middle? The logistical details matter.
It ought to go without saying, but talk about sexual health, STI status, barriers, and all that kind of stuff too. I personally don’t have sex with anyone without STI testing and exchanging test results. Your boundaries may not be the same as mine, but whatever they are, talk about them. Make sure you’re on the same page. Halfway into a threesome, with someone sliding up your ass when you didn’t expect it, is not the time to start the conversation about what goes where and with what barriers!