Polyamory is not so different, really
Image: ian dooley
If you’re only familiar with monogamous relationships, polyamory can seem a strange and exotic land, where all the rules are completely different, and the people are strange, fey creatures untouched by normal human emotions and drives...you know, sort of like France, but even more so.
But in fact, relationships are relationships. If you have the basic set of skills you need to create and navigate monogamous relationships, you’re already most of the way toward being able to maintain polyamorous relationships. It’s not as if polyamorous relationships are all that different from any other romantic relationship—it’s just that there’s more than one of them.
Truths about polyamorous relationships
Successful, healthy relationships are pretty similar. You know that quote from Anna Karenina, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”? Relationships are that way, too. The principles, practices, skills, and ideals that lead to successful non-monogamous relationships aren’t strange or exotic. They lead to successful monogamous relationships as well.
Polyamorous people have the same emotions as monogamous people. You don’t have to be magically immune to jealousy in order to be non-monogamous. You simply have to recognize jealousy when you feel it, and treat it like any other emotion. Healthy people feel emotions—anger, fear, jealousy—without lashing out or taking them out on others. Polyamory doesn’t mean immunity to jealousy any more than monogamy protects you from jealousy (monogamous people still feel jealous, after all). It’s not about not feeling things, it’s about healthy responses to what you feel.
Most people are capable of being in love with more than one person at a time. There are quite a few people who swear up, down, and sideways that it is absolutely impossible to be in love with two people at the same time…and will keep swearing that right up until it happens to them.
Polyamory is simply a way to approach your romantic relationships, not a sign of enlightenment. Anyone who tells you non-monogamy is “more enlightened” or “more evolved” is trying to sell something.
Polyamorous people don’t hate monogamous people. The fact that non-monogamy exists is not an attack on monogamous people. Monogamy is just fine…for some folks. You do you.
Polyamory isn’t related to kink. Non-monogamous people don’t necessarily have kinky group sex (or even group sex at all!), though of course some of us do.
Polyamorous people aren’t indiscriminate. Non-monogamy doesn’t necessarily imply promiscuity. We don’t shag all and sundry. In fact, I’ve consistently noticed that many non-monogamous folks turn down sex more easily than ostensibly monogamous people do. Polyamorous people aren’t starved for relationships, so tend, by and large, to be quite picky.
The same principles of consent that apply to monogamous relationships also apply to polyamorous relationships. Sometimes, people who are only familiar with monogamy assume that polyamorous relationships must be endless orgiastic bacchanals, with everyone shagging everyone else all the time. In fact, sex in a polyamorous relationship is subject to the same rules as in a monogamous relationship: people don’t run around screwing all the time, you still need consent to have sex, and in particular, if Alice is dating Bob and Bob is dating Cindy, this doesn’t necessarily mean Alice and Cindy are dating, or having sex. If a person has two partners, those two partners still don't have sex with each other without consent! The fact that Alice and Cindy both date Bob doesn’t mean Alice and Cindy automatically have access to each other. (In fact, I believe that anyone who insists that their partners must have sex with each other is being abusive.)
Polyamory isn’t for “sex addicts” or promiscuous people. Leaving aside the fact that most accredited medical and psychological bodies like the American Medical Association and American Psychological Association don’t recognize “sex addiction,” there are asexual polyamorous people! If it’s sex you’re after, there are easier ways to get it than by engaging in multiple simultaneous long-term romantic relationships.