Jealousy and Insecurity

Image: Prostock-studio

Okay, yes, jealousy. You can’t talk about polyamory without talking about jealousy, can you? It’s the first question that comes up whenever anyone mentions multiple partners: “How do you keep from being jealous?”

Wanna know a secret? Come close. No, closer. Promise not to tell? Okay, here we go:

Monogamy doesn’t prevent jealousy. “If you only date one person, you’re guaranteed never to feel jealous,” said no person ever.

Jealousy is a feeling. Most people feel the full range of human feelings, including jealousy. Yes, polyamorous people too. The secret to polyamory isn’t magical immunity to jealousy, it’s knowing that jealousy is simply a feeling, like any other feeling, and being a human with human emotions doesn’t mean you can’t have healthy relationships.

Imagine if someone told you, “I would never date anyone because I sometimes feel sadness” or “No, relationships aren’t for me because how can I make sure I’ll never be angry?” That might sound a little weird, right?

And honestly, jealousy is not inevitable. It’s absolutely possible to see the person you love love someone else, and to feel joy at their joy.

Anyway, there’s a whole section of this site about processing jealousy. The tl;dr: Jealousy is a symptom of insecurity or fear of loss. Grow a healthy sense of security and learn to ask for what you need, and that goes a long way toward reducing jealousy. You’ll find a ton more in the links below.

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