Healthy Relationships

Image: Mayur Gala

What is a healthy relationship? What does a healthy relationship look like?

I talk about “healthy relationships” and “secure relationships” countless times throughout this site, but what does that even mean? If you’re in a relationship, how can you tell if it’s healthy or not? What exactly does security in a relationship mean, and how do you know if you’re there?

I’ve spent quite a lot of time thinking about the differences between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship, especially in light of the relationships I’ve personally been involved in with partners who were some combination of insecure, controlling, or both. In my experience, healthy relationships are those that make you feel empowered, that support you in your dreams and ambitions, that make you feel safe and free to express your opinions, and that don’t leave you feeling like you’re always walking on eggshells.

Markers of a healthy relationship

The relationships where I’ve felt safe and secure have always had these things in common:

• Am I striving to treat others with compassion, even when it’s hard? Am I being treated with compassion?
• Does this relationship offer me the opportunity to grow and develop in the way that feeds me and makes me happy? Does it offer the same opportunities to all the other people involved?
• Am I moving with courage in this relationship? Are the people around me moving with courage? That is, do the people involved say things like “I think this will make me happy, so I will reach for it” rather than “”I have been hurt before, so I better not”? Do they say “Here are the things that scare me, and here are the things you can do to help support me” rather than “Here is a list of things I forbid you to do”?
• Does this relationship help me to be the best possible version of myself? When I look around at the other folks involved, do I see the best of them?
• Can I say whatever I need to say, whenever I need to say it, and have a reasonable expectation that I will be heard and understood? Am I creating an environment where everyone else can tell me what they need to say, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear, and I will hear it?
• Is this relationship fair to everyone concerned? Not “fair” as in “everyone gets the same thing,” but “fair” in that “everyone has a hand in the relationship, everyone’s voice can be heard, and everyone has the ability to help build the things that make their parts of it happy and healthy.”
• Does this relationship give all the people involved the opportunity and support they need to pursue their joy?
• Are the people in the relationship committed to handling conflict, when it comes up, in a constructive, positive, and reasonable way, rather than with anger or antagonism?
• Do the people involved forgive one another their lapses and fallibilities?
• Does each person in the relationship have a say in knowing what’s best for him or her, rather than one person dictating what’s best for others?

Relationships like this are a joy. They lift the heart. They are not sources of pain or anxiety. (Image: a href="https://unsplash.com/@noahsilliman" target="_blank">Noah Silverman)

But what about “secure” relationships? When people talk about secure relationships, what does that mean?

Markers of a secure relationship

What a secure relationship looks like:

• The people involved do not control each other.
• The people involved are not jealous or possessive of each other.
• They do not have to know at every moment where the other person is; they do not check up on phone texts or social media and do not demand an accounting of all the time spent every day.
• They mutually work for one another's happiness.
• They each respect the other's boundaries and privacy.
• They communicate openly and honestly, even about things the other person might not want to hear.
• They share their thoughts, feelings, and ideas without fear.
• They are authentic with one another; that is, they do not try to hide things about themselves or be who they are not.
• They do not judge one another.
• They accept normal human failings, flaws, and imperfections, and forgive reciprocally one another's errors.
• They allow one another space for hobbies, pastimes, and events that do not include the other.

What a secure relationship feels like

• You do not feel threatened, frightened, or jealous of your partner's friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and so on.
• You believe your partner will be there for you, and you will be there for them.
• Your partner's happiness is part of your own.
• You do not feel anxious or jealous when your partner is there.
• You do not feel intrusive fear or anxiety that you are not good enough or not worthy of your partner's live, or that your partner will leave you.
• You feel that of all the people in the world, your partner chose you because they want to be with you. You do not feel like you have to limit time your partner spends with other people, because you do not believe that your partner will abandon you if someone "better" comes along.
• You believe that, given free reign to do anything they want, your partner will make choices that cherish you and your relationship. You do not need to control your partner to protect yourself, because your partner wants to be with you and cherish you.
• You do not feel that there are things you can not say to your partner. You feel like you can say anything from "honey, I backed up the car into a tree" to "honey, I have a foot fetish, what do you think?" without fear of being judged.
• You love and accept your partner, and make a safe space for your partner to say anything to you without being judged.
• You feel confident that your partner is your ally, even when you disagree or argue.
• You are not afraid of your partner.
• You feel gratitude for the choice your partner has made to be with you, rather than entitlement to your partner's time, attention, affection, or body.
• You realize that all relationships are voluntary and the choice your partner has made is a gift to you. You treat that gift with respect.
• You feel empowered in the relationship—empowered to express yourself, to reach for your dreams, and be who you are. The relationship does not hold you or your partner back.
• You feel that being with your partner makes it easy for you to express the best parts of yourself.
• You feel that your partner respects your privacy, limits, and boundaries.

Security and health in a relationship often go hand in hand. I’m not saying, of course, that insecure people can’t have healthy relationships; rather, the more secure the people in the relationship, the easier it is for that relationship to be healthy.

These, I think, make a good starting point for determining whether or not a relationship is good.

These ideas only work, however, if they are reciprocated by your partners. Making a healthy relationship is a team effort. It requires everyone to treat one another well. It takes all the people involved to make a relationship healthy, but only one person can make it dysfunctional!

If you feel like your partner isn't treating you this way, or you feel like you're always walking on eggshells, or if your partner becomes violent or angry if you say or d o something they don't like, ir if your partner engages in behavior like cutting you down, insulting you, calling you names, hitting the wall near you, or destroying your property when they're upset, those are all clear warning signs of a dysfunctional relationship that should not be ignored.

You can buy a poster of the ideals and principles that help make for good relationships.