More Than Two | Relationship Bill of Rights

Every human has rights

What I Used to Think

Back in 2003, I put the Proposed Secondary’s Bill of Rights on this site. This Bill of Rights, aimed at secondary partners in relationships with enforced primary/secondary relationships, was my attempt at a list of things that people in a secondary position could reasonably expect to have in their relationships.

When I co-authored the book More Than Two, we extended this idea to a Relationship Bill of Rights.

This Relationship Bill of Rights draws heavily on the Secondary's Bill of Rights. When the Secondary's Bill of Rights first went up on this site, it generated by far the largest volume of email of any part of the site, with many people objecting to the notion that secondaries should have any rights at all. Over time, that email dwindled, then started up again about the time we began writing the book, this time with people saying "of course secondaries have rights; why do you have a Secondary's Bill of Rights rather than a bill of relationship rights in general?"

While I still think the basic foundation laid out here is mostly reasonable, in the years since More Than Two was published, my thinking has evolved, and since then I've drastically re-thought what a relationship bill of rights should be.

I no longer think this Relationship Bill of Rights is adequate. Abuse in intimate partner relationships can be incredibly subtle, and the Relationship Bill of Rights in the book, while it was a good first attempt, is quite simplistic, almost naive, in its thinking about how intimate partner abuse looks.

The text below appears in Chapter 3 of the book More Than Two.

The (old) Relationship Bill of Rights

You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt:

In all intimate relationships:

to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation
(Franklin's note: This includes violence such as destroying property, hitting the wall near you, and other acts of violence not specifically directed at your person)
to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want
to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time
to be told the truth
to say no to requests
to hold and express differing points of view
to feel all your emotions
to feel and communicate your emotions and needs
to set boundaries concerning your privacy needs
to set clear limits on the obligations you will make
to seek balance between what you give to the relationship and what is given back to you
to know that your partner will work with you to resolve problems that arise
to choose whether you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship
to grow and change
to make mistakes
to end a relationship

In poly relationships:

to decide how many partners you want
to choose your own partners
to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take
to choose the level of time and investment you will offer to each partner
to understand clearly any rules that will apply to your relationship before entering into it
to discuss with your partners decisions that affect you
to have time alone with each of your partners
to enjoy passion and special moments with each of your partners

In a poly network:

to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with your partners’ other partners
to be treated with courtesy
to seek compromise
to have relationships with people, not with relationships
to have plans made with your partner be respected; for instance, not changed at the last minute for trivial reasons
to be treated as a peer of every other person, not as a subordinate

More Than Two Relationship Bill of Rights

More Sophisticated Thinking

What are “rights?” What does it mean to have rights in a relationship?

At the lowest level, relationship rights are a recognition that we are all human beings—thinking, independent individuals, who have autonomy and self-worth. Rights are a reflection of autonomy and self-worth; they are those things which defend our autonomy and self-worth.

Abuse in interpersonal relationships often center on one person removing autonomy from another, often because the person doing the abusing feels threatened or jealous or insecure, and feels entitled to control the other person in order to reduce those unpleasant emotions. Attacking the other person’s self-worth is a means of enacting control, because a person who feels worthy is less likely to submit to unwanted control.

Self-Worth

Self-worth is the feeling that you are worthy—that is, you have value, you don’t need to apologize or be ashamed of who you are, that you deserve to be treated well, and that you are not wrong or bad for being you.

Any worthwhile bill of rights for relationships must recognize, I think, the way abuse and control corrode self-worth, and therefore enshrine dignity and self-worth as basic rights.

As an example of how subtle attacks on self-worth can be, my former partner Shelly—ironically, the same Shelly who helped frame the Secondary’s Bill of Rights—told me, before meeting a group of people that included someone she hoped to date, to “tone it down” and “be less Franklin.” This sort of thing—subtle comments that let me know I was too weird, too Franklin to be around others—was common throughout our relationship.

A good partner doesn’t make you feel that you’re unacceptable for being you. A good relationship is one in which you feel no need to hide yourself under a basket, to become smaller, to take up less space, to shrink rather than grow.

Agency in a Relationship

Agency is the right to determine how you want to live your life: what kind of relationships you want, who you wish to associate with (or not associate with), what you want your life to look like. It includes basic bodily autonomy (who has physical access to you, when, where, and under what circumstances; medical decisions that concern you; the clothes you wear; the food you eat; where you live; when and how you sleep; and other basic, fundamental things concerning your body). It includes Social self-determination: who your friends are; who your lovers are (assuming they are fully cognizant adults); who you spend time with, and under what circumstances; your relationships with family and peers; and your socialization, including when, how, and how often you spend time with others). It includes moral autonomy: the right to evaluate and decide what values you live by and how to be true to yourself, based on your inner values rather than behaviors imposed on you by social norms or by force, coercion, or threat of violence. For example, gay men and lesbians have the right to live authentically even in the face of institutionalized or legal homophobia.

Agency also necessarily includes the right to say “no.” While this might seem obvious, for many people, “no” is seen as something to overcome. If a person says “no” and then gives a reason for their no, that is not an invitation to argue about the reason, offer to “fix” the reason in order to turn the no to a yes, or find reasons why the “no” is not valid.

“No means no” is exactly what it says on the tin.

Other Forms of Coercive Control

Agency extends to all elements of your decisions: who you allow close to you, who you allow access to your body, what you eat, what you wear, what you do, where you go. Coercive control is non-consensual behavior designed to exert influence, power, or control over another person’s agency and autonomy. It includes elements like controlling what clothing a person wears, what food they eat, and even such things as not letting them sleep.

Coercive control can be quite subtle. We all (I hope) recognize that a person who tells a partner “you are not allowed to have male friends” is being controlling and abusive. But in the real world, coercive control over an intimate partner’s social circle is rarely that blatant. It’s far more likely to be subtle, and to take on elements of gaslighting: telling a partner that their friends aren’t worthy, aren’t good enough, don’t have good intentions, don’t behave well, aren’t mature enough. This sort of insidious corrosion of a person’s social circle is absolutely abusive, but it’s far easier for it to slip below the radar than more blatant forms of control.

I also don’t like the idea of breaking it up the way we did into things like rights for all relationships and rights for polyamorous relationships. The whole point of a right is it’s something always invested in you by virtue of being a human being.

Toward a deeper, more robust Relationship Bill of Rights

You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt:

to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation, including violence directed at your property, violence in your vicinity aimed at intimidating you (such as hitting the wall and slamming doors), and threats of violence or intimidation, including indirect threats
to say “no” and have your no respected (beware, beware, beware the person who wants a reason for your no, and then tries to convince you that your reason is invalid)
to say “yes” and have your yes believed
to be secure in your person and your effects, without fear that your possessions or property will be subject to disposal or destruction without your consent
to have your agency and autonomy respected, including without reservation:
- your right to exercise your own choices over what you wear and what you eat
- your right to choose professionals such as medical and mental health practitioners (I once had a partner demand I stop seeing a female doctor instead of a male doctor)
- your right to your own body, which extends not only to the clothes you wear but also to any tattoos, piercings, or other ornamentation, as you see fit, and to your physical presentation of yourself
- how you spend your leisure time, including the books you read, the games you play, and other discretionary use of your own time
to express yourself as you choose, so long as those expressions do not infringe upon others, including choosing the entertainment you consume, the music you listen to, and the art you create
to be informed of anything that impacts or might impact your sexual health
to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with whatever consenting adult you choose
to maintain existing friendships and form new ones
to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time
to be believed when you communicate your feelings, thoughts, and boundaries (telling you what you’re feeling instead of listening to you describe your feelings, and telling you what your boundaries are instead of listening to you express your boundaries, is an especially insidious form of gaslighting)
to be believed when you consent
to believe others when they consent
to be told the truth
to hold and express your own point of view, including not only in your family or relationship but also in the communities to which you belong (if your community bullies, threatens, intimidates, or harasses you for holding an opinion contrary to the community's, that may be a sign of toxicity in your community)
to feel and communicate your emotions and needs
to set boundaries concerning access to yourself, your person, your intimacy, your space, and your property, including without limitation:
- the right to choose who you spend time with, where, and when;
- the right to say “no” when other people want your time or attention;
- the right to choose not to give your time, attention, intimacy, or access to your body to someone else;
- the right to choose who you will and will not communicate with;
- the right to choose your own social group, both in-person and online
to have and expect privacy, including being secure in your messages, email, and other electronic communication, your phone, and other electronic devices
to choose whether you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship
to grow and change
to make mistakes
to end a relationship at any time for any reason
to decide how many romantic partners you want, whether that’s none, one, or more than one
to decide how many sexual partners you want, whether that’s none, one, or more than one
to decide to what extent you require romantic and sexual relationships to be connected
to be who you are in terms of sexual identity, orientation, and expression, without having others contradict, ridicule, or deny your identity
to choose your own partners, including both in the positive sense (you may choose to be in a relationship with someone who also wants to be in a relationship with you, and keep that relationship even if someone else tells you not to) and in a negative sense (you may decline an offer of a relationship, and also decline to date people others say you should date)
to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take
to choose how much time and resources you will invest in your relationships, and for this to be different for different people if that’s what you choose
to choose your living arrangements, including choosing to share your living space with a particular person or not to do so (indeed, you may choose to live alone if you like, and that’s your right)
to understand clearly any conditions that will apply to your personal connections, and to be informed when these change
to discuss with the people in your life, including friends, family, and lovers, decisions that affect you
to choose to spend time alone with anyone who also wants the same with you, including friends, family, and lovers
to spend your time without having to account for it to other people
to enjoy passion and special moments with those you choose
to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with other people’s friends, family, social circle, or other partners
to be treated with courtesy
to form connections with people as individuals
to expect to have promises to you kept when possible, not broken for trivial reasons

You can find a deeper dive into this page in the Spotlight On... series on the More Than Two blog here.