Things People Say
When people say “how can I tell others I’m polyamorous?”, it often seems like what they’re really asking is “how can I tell others I’m polyamorous and control the way they react?”
And the truth is, you can’t. You have some control over when, how, and who you talk to about your relationships, but people are going to react the way they react, and there’s not a lot you can do about that.
That said, some reactions make more sense than others. I’ve talked to a lot of people about polyamory over the years, and a lot of the responses I get are a bit...odd.
What do I mean by that? Well...
Reactions I’ve Heard when I Tell People I’m Polyamorous
- Polyamory? What’s that?
- So you mean your wife lets you cheat?
- I could never do that. I’m a jealous person.
- What happens when you decide to stop playing the field and you want to settle down?
- So you mean you can’t commit?
- Well, that makes sense, since you’re a guy. Guys are genetically programmed to spread their seed. I bet you’ll change your tune if your wife wants to sleep with someone else!
- Ooh, does that mean you have sex with two women at the same time?
- …oh, it does? Do those women ever have sex with each other?
- …they do? Oh, man, you’re so lucky! Holy shit! You bang two women and you get to watch them do each other?? Awesome! Bro, you got it going on! Can I be you when I grow up?
- …wait, your girlfriends have other boyfriends? Cuck.
- You’re a swinger? What’s that like?
- God will punish you for your sexual promiscuity, you know.
- I’m polyamorous too! My wife and my girlfriend and her boyfriend and I have been together for eight years now.
- How do you deal with jealousy?
- Aren’t you afraid of STIs?
- How do you keep all these women straight in your head?
- Where do you meet women who are okay with that? How on earth do you get a woman to go along with you shagging other women?
- Do you all live together?
- Don’t your women all hate each other? Do they fight? Do you need to keep them separated?
- Have you ever called out the wrong name during sex?
- If all your girlfriends were in car accidents, and they all ended up in different hospitals, who would you visit first? Doesn’t that prove you love one of them best?
- Why did you get married? Didn’t your other girlfriends get upset? What made you decide which one to marry?
- What will you do if one of your girlfriends decides to marry someone else?
- How do you have time for all this?
- Do your parents know?
- Do you or anyone you date have kids? Doesn’t this damage kids? Don’t kids need stability?
- You just haven’t met the right one yet. One day you’ll really find out what love means, and you’ll quit playing around.
- “Polyamory” is just a fancy name for lying and infidelity. You millennials are all the same.
- …oh, you’re in your 50s? When are you going to grow up?
- Isn’t polyamory selfish?
- So you’re Mormon?
- Do you own houses or property with all your partners? How does that work? Does the law permit that? How do survivorship benefits work? What does your will look like?
- I thought polygamy was illegal.
- How do you make sure all your partners get enough time with you? What happens if someone feels left out?
- Are all of you totally immune to jealousy?
- What will you do if one of your partners meets The One?
- Aren’t you afraid that if you let your girlfriends have other boyfriends, they’ll meet someone better and leave you?
- What do you do if you fall in love with someone who is not okay with all this polyamory stuff?
- Only sluts are polyamorous. Why would you want to date a slut instead of a decent girl?
- Someone who looks like you has multiple girlfriends? Really? I don’t get it. You must have a huge cock or something. (Yes, hand to God, this is a thing people have seriously said to me.)
- You sound like a lot of fun. Want to have sex?
- …no, seriously. I mean it. Wanna fuck?
- Do you ever feel like you’re trying to fill your life with women and sex because you’re missing something? Maybe Jesus can help. Have you heard the good news?
- You must be really rich.
- What do you do if you decide you want to live with more than one of your lovers?
- That never works in the long run. It might work for casual flings, but nobody would be able to have long-term relationships that way.
- If you could marry more than one of your partners, would you?
- I met a woman once who said she was poly. She was fat. No hot woman would ever be poly. Hot women don’t need to pretend to be okay with sleeping around in order to get a man.
- Aren’t you taking all the women for yourself? Isn’t this why incels can’t get girlfriends?
- You have a bunch of women? You must be an alpha male.
- Your girlfriends have other boyfriends? You must be a beta male.
- Only unemployed people on welfare have enough time for that.
- Isn’t polyamory a cult?
- Is polyamory legal grounds for child protective services to take kids?
- How does inheritance work? If you leave things to your wife and your girlfriends, is that legal?
- Do you all sleep in the same bed?
- What if one of your girlfriends doesn’t like another one of your girlfriends?
- Does your wife get veto over your girlfriends?
- What if you have two girlfriends, and they both want your attention at the same time? Who do you choose?
- You can’t really love two people at the same time. Johnny Depp says if you love two people, you should go with the second, because if you really loved the first, you would never have fallen for the second.
- How does it work? How do you divide up chores and stuff?
- Doesn’t your live-in partner get upset because she has to do all the chores and stuff, while you run around having fun with your other partners?
- Don’t your other partners get upset, because you only see them part time but they don’t have the experience of living with you?
- Don’t you ever feel like you’re missing out? You’ll never know what it feels like to have someone who is completely committed to you who thinks you’re their everything.
- Do you have to be bisexual to be poly?
- Why is one person not enough for you? Why do you always need more?
- Don’t you ever get tired of being on the prowl for new partners all the time?
- Having more than one woman sounds exhausting. I can barely keep one woman happy!
- Which one is your main partner?
- What happens if you like one of your side partners more than your main partner?
- Which one do you love the most?
- How would you feel if one of your girlfriends loved someone else the most?
- Didn’t the hippies already try this? It didn’t work back then, why would it work now?
- This is just you trying to have your cake and eat it too.
- What if you get someone else pregnant? What if you and your main partner already have kids, but one of your side partners wants a baby?
- Do all your partners have sex with each other? Is everyone dating everyone?
- What happens if three people are dating but two of them break up?
- What if one of your partners decides she doesn’t want to be poly any more and wants you all to herself?
- Aren’t there laws in some states against adultery and fornication? What if one of you is in the military—doesn’t the military have rules against fornication?
- Do you have orgies every night?
- Doesn’t it wear you out trying to keep all those women sexually satisfied? Don’t you get sick of sex? If you have sex with so many people, how is it still special any more?
- Are you a sex addict? Isn’t polyamory just a fancy name for sex addiction?
- Aren’t you afraid your partners will find The One? How do you know they aren’t just using you until the right one comes along?
- Don’t you get your heart broken a lot?
- Does polyamory make breakups easier? After all, if you break up with one person, you still have other people.
- What happens if one person finds it easy to meet new people, but the other person doesn’t?
- Do you ever bring people home for your partner to have sex with?
- Isn’t polyamory tilted toward men, because it’s more acceptable for men to sleep around than for women to sleep around?
- Isn’t polyamory tilted toward women, since it’s hard for men to find new girlfriends, but it’s easy for women to have sex with whoever they want?
- I bet you must all have AIDS.
- How long have you been polyamorous? How did you discover this was for you?
- When you told your girlfriend you wanted to open up your relationship, what did she say? How did you get her to say yes?
- If you’re cheating, and you get caught, can you become poly?
- Can I be poly without my wife knowing?
- What if I want to be poly but I want all my girlfriends to be faithful to me?
- Doesn’t it get really expensive to be constantly going on dates and paying for all these women all the time?
- Women are genetically programmed for monogamy. There’s no way a woman would really agree to this. Science proves it.
- When do you tell someone you’re poly? How do you bring it up so you don’t scare them off?
- Polyamory is a fad. It won’t last.
- So does that mean you have no standards?
- Do you know your girlfriends’ other boyfriends? Do you hang out? Isn’t it awkward, knowing you’re both sleeping with the same chick?
- Aren’t you afraid your girlfriend will compare you to her other boyfriend?
- It sounds like a soap opera. How do you keep track of who’s sleeping with whom?
- What’s wrong with monogamy?
- Isn’t having someone you can depend on better than having a constant revolving door of partners?
- If your partners are not sexually faithful, how do you know they’re committed to you? Isn’t sexual fidelity how you prove commitment?
- Relationships are hard work. I’d hate to do all the work of maintaining multiple relationships.
- Relationships take sacrifice. You’re just trying to get the benefit without the sacrifice.
- How many girlfriends do you need, anyway?
- I just don’t understand that.