Why do we ignore red flags in a relationship?
Image: Dawid Małecki
You meet someone. You fall in love. Things go well...for a time. Then the relationship turns ugly, or even abusive, and the next thing you know, your heart and your dreams with this person lie in ruins. Looking back, you see a whole forest of red flags, flags that scream at you with flashing lights and warning sirens, that somehow you missed the first time around. Many of us have had that experience...but how? How does it happen? How is it that warnings so plain in hindsight were so opaque at the beginning?
Missing the Obvious
At the start of a relationship, in that giddy, intoxicating rush of new relationship energy, the truth is, we aren’t always as alert as we ought to be...in fact, sometimes we don’t want to see red flags. Red flags are no fun. They mean that hey, maybe we best not pursue the shiny person we are so smitten with.
This isn’t intended as a list of red flags, but rather the things that make us less wary, less aware of red flags than perhaps we ought to be. Speaking for myself, in my own relationships, I’ve come from painful personal experience and loads of self-examination to recognize the things that have caused me to be willfully blind to relationship warning signs I should never have ignored:
Because red flags aren’t always obvious. As with many things, they’re clearer in hindsight than in foresight. Yes, there are some obvious ones (bursts of anger, violence toward objects or animals), but in the beginning of a relationship these might not be present. They often begin slowly and escalate over time.
Because the relationship seems awesome at first. It’s easy to disregard all kinds of things in that giddy rush of a new relationship: incompatibility, different values, different relationship goals, and yes, red flags. I know I’ve been guilty of this. In that first heady rush of new relationship energy, everything is wonderful and anything seems possible.
Because hey, optimism! When you look at the world through rose-colored glasses, red flags just look like flags. I mean, this is me in a nutshell.
Because you think “I can change them.” Trying to save the broken person is a standard romance-novel trope (*ahem* 50 Shades of Crap *ahem*). And it’s not just women who think this way—-how many guys think you gotta take the crazy if you want hot sex?
Because you don’t think it can happen to you. If you sincerely don’t believe, I mean really don’t believe, because you’re too savvy or too good at relationships or whatever—that abuse can happen to you, you simply don’t watch for the signs and you don’t recognize them even if you do see them.
Because you’re desperate. If you see relationships as scarce and hard to find, you may grab hold of any opportunity for relationship that presents itself no matter how dysfunctional.
Because of social pressure. If you live in a society or a family where there’s a lot of pressure to be in a relationship or get married, same thing—you may grab hold of any opportunity for relationship that presents itself no matter how dysfunctional.
Because of gaslighting. You may see the red flags, but your partner or people around you dismiss or downplay your concerns, tell you you’re imagining things, or make you doubt your own judgment.
Because the rest of the relationship is wonderful. That’s a thing a lot of folks don’t get. A toxic relationship is rarely toxic all the time, and your partner might sincerely be absolutely wonderful much of the time. This can seriously mess with your head, even make you doubt yourself. Abuse is, perhaps strangely, not always obvious to the one being abused. Sometimes even abuse that ought to be obvious, such as physical violence.
Doing the No-Fun
So what does this mean?
It means one of the keys to a happy, healthy relationship is to look—I mean, actually, consciously look, even in that giddy flood of new relationship energy—for the little signs, the cues that something is not right. Things this person says or does that raise the small hairs on the back of your neck, things that give you an uneasy feeling in your gut. Even the most toxic relationships rarely start out that way, which is why the no-fun job of interrogating yourself regularly—is everything as good as it seems? Am I missing anything? Does something not feel right?—is so vital.
I’ve had relationships where I didn’t do that, and relationships where I did, and without exception the ones where I did are the vibrant, healthy, strong ones.