Treating Women as People

I frequently say, here and in other places online, that the best way men can have healthy relationships with women is simply by treating women as people. But what, exactly, does that mean? It sounds good and all, but how do you put that into practice?

I suppose “treat women like people” could use some unpacking.

Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth

Have you heard of that book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Let’s start there. Throw that book in the fire. It’s absolute, unmitigated rubbish, from first word to last. It’s a great model of what not to do.

Banish from your mind ideas like “women want a protector” or “women want a man with money.” Eliminate questions like “what do women look for?” or “will women date a guy who doesn’t have a car?” There are nigh unto four billion individual women in the planet and every single one of them is different.

That nonsense about men being from Mars while women are from Venus, and the closely related nonsense that men and women can’t understand each other, all spring from the same place: there is money to be made and power to be had in perpetuating the myth that men and women are different, and there is money to be made in raising people to be insecure rather than secure.

Don’t get me wrong, there are (mostly minor) biological differences. But there is so much variation between different individual men (some men like sports, some don’t; some men are logical thinkers, some are emotional thinkers; some are fearless, some are fearful; and so on) and so much variation between individual women that those differences totally swamp any differences based on sex.

Individual men are very different from each other. If you try to understand men as a group, you’ll inevitably end up confused and frustrated, because individual men are so different. Individual women are very different from each other. If you try to understand women as a group, yyou’ll inevitably end up confused and frustrated, because individual women are so different.

People who think that men and women are different are trying to understand men as a group or women as a group. When that doesn’t work, they get confused and frustrated, throw up their hands, and scream “aaaaaagh, men and women can’t understand each other!”

Follow the Money

If you can convince people that All Women Want Diamonds, you can make billions of dollars selling diamonds to men. If you can convince people that All Men Want Beauty, you can make billions of dollars selling wrinkle cream to women. If you can convince people that All Women Want Wealth, you can make billions of dollars selling wealth displays like Rolex watches to men. Creating stereotypes about desirability and attraction, then catering to them, is a gold mine.

First, convince people that men and women are different. Second, convince people that men want this thing and women want that thing. Third, sell people the things that they believe men want and women want.

$$$cha-ching!$$$

Some of the richest and most powerful industries in the world exist to sell products to lonely, desperate people who believe that buying the product will finally get them the love and companionship they crave.

Now, the idea that men and women are different, and men want X while women want Y, is incredibly easy to disprove. It's a tissue-thin myth that disintegrates if you do one simple thing: talk openly, without stereotype or prejudice, to different men and women.

That's where insecurity comes in.

It's hard to do that when you're insecure. When you're insecure, you want to know what The Rules are so you don't take a chance on saying the wrong thing; you always know the right thing to say.

When you're insecure, you're so afraid of rejection that talking to people seems impossible.

When you're insecure, you are desperate to fit in, and that means trying to conform to what you think the stereotypical norms are—even if they don't fit you.

If we taught people to be secure, many multibillion-dollar industries would lose vast, unimaginable oceans of money.

I'm not saying there's a group of corporate executives getting together in a smoke-filled room cackling, “we will plot a conspiracy to keep people insecure!” It's more subtle than that.

They notice that ads that subtly encourage insecurity sell more product, so that's the kind of ads they develop. They notice that movies that subtly reinforce gender bias sell more tickets, so that's the kind of movies they produce.

It's a positive feedback loop: people naturally have insecurities, encouraging that insecurity makes more money, which allows you to more effectively send cultural and social messages that encourage insecurity, which makes people feel more insecure, which causes them to buy your products, which makes you more money, which enables you to more effectively send signals that encourage insecurity…

Really says it all, doesn’t it? (Image: Marc Kleen)

Self-Reinforcing Stereotypes

You’d think, given how many people there are in the world who don’t fall into the various stereotypes about men and women, that these stereotypes would soon disintegrate.

Instead, they become self-reinforcing. A person gets a stereotype in his head, like “women want money.” Then he meets women who don’t fit the stereotype. But instead of realizing “oh, wait, this stereotype is a load of horse manure,” he tries to reconcile the individual women he meets and the stereotype by making up all kinds of stories about how the women who don’t fit the stereotype actually do fit the stereotype, but they don’t talk about it directly—instead they say they don’t want money (or whatever) but they send out secret signals that tell you they really do. And when this poor bloke tries to look for these hidden signals but can’t find them, he throws up his hands, says “men just can’t understand women,” and goes back to re-read that silly book.

So start with that: every single woman is an individual. Do not ask what women want and do not make assumptions about what women want. Even if you think that there are things an “average” woman wants, so what? The individual standing in front of you right now is an individual, not an “average woman.”

People are individuals, not statistics

These are people, not androids. They aren’t mass-produced and they don’t all run the same firmware. (Image: Omar Lopez)

Interact with people like they are individuals. Never, ever start an interaction with a woman by saying to yourself, “women like men who take charge, so I’m going to take charge of this conversation.” Even if it were true that the “average” woman likes a guy who takes charge—which it isn’t—you have no idea if the woman standing before you is an “average woman” or not. So don’t make assumptions. Talk to her like you’d talk to any other person you don’t know.

Don’t be goal directed. Don’t go into a conversation trying to “get” her to do something. That’s creepy and manipulative. It’s the kind of thing that pickup artists who live alone in their mom’s basement say you should do. Don’t talk to her thinking about what you can get from her, talk to her like she’s an ordinary person you want to interact with.

Don’t interact only with women you want to shag. You don’t only interact with men who you want something from, right? You already know how to do this. Apply that to your interactions with women.

Respect the agency and boundaries of the people around you. If someone tells you no, accept it and move on. Don’t tell yourself stories about how they’re “playing hard to get” or (ugh) “women love to be chased.”

Communicate directly. A lot of men struggle to understand what being creepy is. Being creepy is when you telegraph that your intentions are different from your behavior. Like the guy who wants to talk to the woman at the party but he thinks it has to be at just the right time, so he follows her around like a second shadow but doesn’t speak to her because he thinks that if he just remains stuck to her for long enough, there will come a moment when a chorus of angels sing and it will be the “right time” and everything will be awesome. That’s creepy because it’s clear that what he wants (to talk to her) doesn’t match what he’s doing (following her around silently).

Be straightforward in your interactions. Respect a no if you hear it.

There’s No Such Thing as the Friend Zone

Stop thinking about the “friend zone.” There is no such thing as the “friend zone.” A woman didn’t “put you in the friend zone,” you put her in the girlfriend zone. You decided you wanted to date her, and when she didn’t fancy you, you framed that as her doing something to you. No, she didn’t. She didn’t do a thing to you—she just doesn’t want to date you. Accept it and move on. Find someone who does.

She, this person you’re interacting with, is not an object of desire. She is not a rare and precious flower. She is not a goddess. She is not a provider of nookie. She’s a person, just like you. She farts. She probably has bad breath when she wakes up. She has fears, insecurities, and weaknesses. She has things she’s strong at and things she isn’t. She experiences the same range of emotions you do. She’s done things she’s not proud of and things she’s very proud of. She is, in the important aspects, just like you. Go talk to her!

Don’t pin all your hopes and dreams on her. Don’t tell yourself that if she doesn’t love you, your life will be over. Don’t serenade her. Don’t put her on a pedestal, and don’t think she’s beneath you. Just talk to her.

It really is that simple.

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