This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the Love Without Restrictions page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks!
Since I flipped the switch on the new version of the More Than Two polyamory site, I’ve started doing a deeper dive into some of the new and updated sections. (I first started writing what would become the More Than Two site back in 1997, meaning it is now, I believe, the oldest continually-updated polyamory site on the Web.)
A lot of folks have an idea of polyamory as a zero-commitment free-for-all, where people whod on’t understand love run about having sex with all who will have them. This notion grows from the idea that love, commitment, and exclusivity are all the same thing—that you prove commitment only by being exclusive, rather than, you know, by investing in the person you’re committed to, helping them succeed, being there for them, that sort of thing—and that people are unable to experience being in love with more than one other person at a time.
Which might be true of some folks; it’s not my place to say. If someone tells me they’re only able to feel love for one other person at once, I have no reason to doubt them. We’re all different. I can’t run a 6-minute mile, but I don’t doubt the existence of those who can.
Anyway, the reverse side of that coin is the notion that love must restrict—that a loving, committed relationship is defined by restriction.
Which brings us to today’s new page spotlight: Love Without Restriction.
This new page started out as an answer on Quora. The person asking the question wanted a relationship that offered intimacy without being tied down—something that a lot of folks seemed to struggle with. One person said “you want intimacy without commitment,” which I found a little sad, to be honest.
Too often we define intimacy and commitment in terms of giving things up, sacrificing things, letting go of autonomy, agreeing to control. I think this attitude is toxic (but then again, I also think we live in a social environment that normalizes a lot of toxic romantic behavior—more on that later in this series!). Point is, to a lot of folks, “commitment” is measured not in terms of what you give to another person—time, attention, support, showing up, being there for them through adversity—but in what you give up, what kind of control you accept, what agency you give away, how you fence yourself in.
Relationships, in other words, are a prison, not a meadow. The more confined you are, the more committed you are.
Look how committed I am to you! (Image: Mitchel Lensink)
Now, this isn’t really related to polyamory, at least not directly. Plenty of monogamous people want intimacy without feeling imprisoned, commitment that still honors their agency.
But we polyamorous folks get this a lot, because the notion that love and commitment are inextricably bound up with control, that you prove your commitment by building walls and fences, has deep roots in most societies.
A person who wants intimacy without being bound by it is looked on as wanting to have their cake and eat it too, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean in this context. They’re told that monogamy is unsuitable for them, as another answer to that Quora question said, or that they’re not ready to “settle down,” which is basically what they call it when you decide that, okay, you’ve had enough of that agency and self-determination thing. And since poly folks are often the most visible champions of the idea that commitment and exclusivity don’t necessarily have to be the same thing, that can leave people who want intimate, committed relationships without being bound by them asking themselves, “does that mean I’m poly?”
Answer: No, it doesn’t, not necessarily. I mean, it might, sure, but whether you’re polyamorous and how much you value your freedom are orthogonal, they aren’t the same thing. (This desire to maintain autonomy is a key component of relationship anarchy, and a lot of folks confuse polyamory and RA, but you can be polyamorous without being RA and RA without being polyamorous.)
The Love Without Restriction page is a first stab at addressing some of these ideas.
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