Spotlight on Poly Breakups

This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the Poly Breakups page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks!

Image: serezniy

Every now and then, when I talk to people who aren’t polyamorous by nature, someone will say something that leaves my jaw on the floor. No, no, I don’t mean something like “you can only be in love with one person at a time” (which, to be fair, is true…for the people who say that; the only odd part is the number of folks who imagine that if they can’t be in love with more than one person at once, that means nobody can. Hey, I can’t swim, but I don’t go around saying nobody can swim!), I mean something really head-spinning.

Like “if you’re polyamorous, that must mean breakups are no big deal, not like they are for us monogamous folks, because you still have other partners.”

Which is…wow. Even as hot takes go, that’s a mess. You have two parents? Then it surely doesn’t hurt if you lose one, because you still have one left, right? Loss doesn’t hurt if you have spares, right?

To be perfectly—perhaps unreasonably—fair, there is perhaps one tiny kernel of truth (from Obi-Wan Kenobi’s “certain point of view”) in the idea that polyamorous folks have an advantage in a breakup: Being surrounded by love and support when you endure loss makes the loss at least a little bit easier to deal with.

This isn’t really a polyamory thing, though. It’s true of monogamous people as well. We are social creatures. Grief shared is grief divided. The people around you don’t have to be lovers, or romantic partners, they only have to be supportive.

But as long as we’re talking about breakups, there’s something else I’d like to say:

Breakups aren’t always a problem. Sometimes, they’re a solution to a problem.

Image: Stephen Harlan

We live in a society that tells us the minimum acceptable standard for a relationship is “it lasts until somebody dies.” (Which, all too often, can be the exact outcome if people try to stay in relationships that really need to end.)

Emphasizing the longevity of relationships over the joy they bring has done tremendous damage to the happiness of the human race.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly healthy to want vibrant, stable, solid relationships. Nobody goes into a relationship saying “oh boy, I really hope we break up, that would be awesome!”

Thing is, you don’t get there by forcing yourself to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable, and a society doesn’t get there by forcing people to stay in a wedding that’s turned dysfunctional. You get there by learning the skills to make good partner choices and solve relationship problems.

In a sense, it’s like what happens when you ban abortion: you act in service of evil from a sincere desire to do good, because you don’t understand that the way to reduce abortion isn’t by forcing women to carry children they cannot care for or carry dead fetuses in their womb, it’s by providing education, support, neonatal resources, maternity leave, healthcare, and so on. Far too many people aren’t ready for that conversation…but I digress.

The best, healthiest relationships are voluntary, they’re not prisons. If a relationship doesn’t work for you, and it becomes clear that it cannot be made to work for you, you have the right to leave. If a relationship doesn’t work for your partner, and they believe it cannot be made to work, they have the right to leave.

Yeah, it sucks, I get it, believe me. That’s the way of being an adult. Love is not for cowards. If you love, you risk heartbreak. If you love multiple people, you risk more heartbreak. Call it table stakes in the game of life.

Hurt and Harm

Image: chepko

Breakups hurt. They suck and they’re miserable and in the middle of heartbreak it can be really, really tough to remember that hurt is not necessarily harm.

We all, every one of us, step on each other’s toes from time to time. We are born of frailty and error and we all collect dents and scratches on this trip through life. It happens, even when you mean well, and others will do it to you even when they mean well. A certain amount of hurt is inevitable. It is noble to want never to hurt unnecessarily, but it will happen from time to time and you can never reduce the times it happens to zero.

There will be times when you hurt someone and you will never, ever, ever have an opportunity to be understood or make things right. There will be times when others hurt you, and you will never, ever, ever understand why. This too is inevitable. It’s part of the price you pay to be here, a human being enjoying these brief moments in the sun.

But here’s the thing:

Not all hurt is harm. If you accidentally step on my toe but cause only minor and passing discomfort, you have hurt me but not harmed me. We get hurt all the time.Yes, you have a duty of care to other fragile human beings to try, insofar as is possible without compromising yourself and your boundaries, not to hurt others, but it is also your responsibility to recognize the difference between hurt and harm when it happens to you, and to understand that not all the hurt you deal to others on your journey through life is harm. It is not necessary to hoist yourself upon the rack for a minor and passing hurt, and it is not helpful to you to elevate hurt done to you to harm in order to make yourself feel better.

And you want to know something that really sucks? There will be times when you hurt someone and you will never, ever, ever have an opportunity to be understood or make things right. There will be times when others hurt you, and you will never, ever, ever understand why. This too is inevitable. It’s part of the price you pay to be here, a human being enjoying these brief moments in the sun.

So, what do you do after a breakup?

• Practice self-gentleness.
• Remember that forgiveness begins at home…
  • You cannot truly forgive others if you lack the ability to forgive yourself. Sometimes, there will be moments where you hurt another human being and you cannot make it right. That’s it, the end. In those moments, the only thing you can do is resolve to learn from your experience, so that you can go forward more mindful, better equipped not to hurt people that way again (though like Sean Connery’s character in Hunt for Red October says, “he won’t make that mistake again,” with the unspoken insinuation that there are plenty of other mistakes still waiting to be made!).
• …but forgiveness is never mandatory.
  • People may tell you that if you are wronged you must forgive the transgression. Don’t believe them. You are never obligated to forgive harm done to you. It might help you to do so—ultimately, forgiveness is for your benefit, not the other person’s—but it is always a gift freely given, and you can choose not to give it. That’s a valid choice. Forgiveness is not transactional, currency you exchange just because the other person offers you apology.
• There will be times when you hurt, or even harm, another person without intending to. Sometimes, you will not be able to make it right. If that happens to you, and there’s nothing you can do for the benefit of the other person, pay it forward. Learn. Don’t do it again.

And finally, if it helps, remember that forgiving yourself will make you a kinder, more compassionate person. Holding onto guilt will not. If kindness and compassion are what you seek, guilt won’t get you there. Gentleness to yourself will.