This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the Polyamory and Fairness page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks!
Image: karpik-hoi
“It’s not fair!” We all have an inner five-year-old that stamps its feet when we don’t get our way, or we see someone getting something we think we should have.
This can happen a lot in relationships, and polyamorous relationships offer a ton of opportunities for people to feel uthings are unfair…especially when one person finds it easier to attract new lovers than another.
The idea of “fairness” is part of our wiring. Part of most social mammalian wiring, really. Dogs have a concept of fairness—if you train a dog to do a trick to get a reward, then show it another dog getting the same reward for nothing, the first dog may refuse to do that trick any more. Why should I work for it when that other dog gets it for free?
That can and often does come up in polyamorous relationships. I’ve actually seen situations where one person told their wife, “it’s easier for women to find new lovers than for men, so I don’t want you to start any new relationships until after I do, to make it fair.”
Yes, seriously.
Fairness absolutely does not mean “you must make yourself smaller or limit your opportunities because I feel less capable than you.” If you find yourself struggling in some aspect of your relationship, whether that’s attracting new lovers or whatever it might be, that’s not your lover’s fault. Asking another person to make their life smaller so that it matches your own is not fair. Fairness is not symmetry. Fairness, properly applied, is rooted in compassion.
But there’s one part of the essay I’d like to zoom in on and look at up close, because I’ve seen this happen in relationships around me several times and I think it’s toxic: support doesn’t entitle you to control.
What does that mean?
It means that you aren’t entitled to an inside track on someone else’s life just because you helped them out with something.
Image: Nicole Taionescu
This mindset looks like “I did something for you, now it’s only fair you do something for me,” often in the form of “I supported you when you were down, now you should give me the kind of relationship I want with you.”
It’s not strictly a polyamory thing, of course. This is the beating heart of Nice Guy Syndrome™: I did nice things for you, now it’s only fair that you give me what I want.
There are two parts to this approach to “fairness:” 1. It’s transactional, and 2. It’s about control.
It’s transactional means “in my view of fairness, every exchange is tit for tat. When I am supportive of you, I expect something in return. If I show you kindness, it’s not because kindness, decency, and compassion are fundamental to the way we should all treat each other in mutual acknowledgement that we’re all on a bumpy journey through life and nobody really knows what they’re doing. It’s because I am offering you something in expectation that you will give me something back for my efforts.”
It’s about control means I expect to have something over you. You have incurred an obligation to me, which I, in all fairness, can call in when I choose, and I expect you to do as I say. We didn’t negotiate this beforehand, but that doesn’t matter. The debt you have incurred to me gives me power over you.
How does this play out?
I’ve seen it happen in poly relationships where person A (Alice for example) comes to person B (let’s call him Bob) for support dealing with something—a breakup, say, an illness, whatever. Bob, being a person who has good will toward Alice, offers Alice emotional or practical support, then when Alice is in a better place, Alice declines Bob’s romantic attractions.
And Bob says, “that’s not fair!”
Which is absolutely not true, and totally misunderstands what fairness is. If something you offer is transactional, it’s on you to make that explicit up front.
Now, I’m not saying you should never worry about fairness. Sometimes, our inner “that’s not fair!” voice warns us when something is genuinely wrong.
The place you want to pay attention to that voice is any time there’s a power imbalance in your relationship that you did not explicitly, specifically agree to.
For example, “I am allowed to have other lovers and you are not.” That’s some people’s taste in BDSM power exchange relationships, and that’s totally cool. If you fancy a cuckolding or chastity-control relationship because it gets you hot, hey, fill yer boots! Never let it be said that I got in the way of your (mutually negotiated and agreed-upon) tastes with other consenting adults.
But when your inner “it’s not fair!” pops up around power imbalances you didn’t explicitly negotiate as part of a mutual power exchange relationship, it might be alerting you to something you ought to pay attention to.
“I get control over your other relationships that you don’t get over mine.” “I get to tell you what you do with your body, or how you have sex with your other lovers.” “I get control over when, where, and how you spend time with your other lovers, but I absolutely reject any influence you have over how I spend time with mine.” If you find yourself responding to that sort of thing with “it’s not fair!”, you’re right, it’s not. Something is wrong, and if the relationship is built on this kind of control, it may be abusive.
So I’m not saying you should automatically dismiss that voice out of hand, but rather that, in most cases, “it’s not fair!” is not necessarily the best way to approach your relationships.
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