Say you have a fetish, something that really does it for you. For example, say you quite like sniffing panties or something. Whatever. And say you have a new lover. What are the odds you can tell your new lover about this thing of yours, whatever it might be, without causing them to run screaming for the hills?
Image: Huha on Unsplash
Okay, so here’s the thing: Sex is largely a matter of basic social skills.
Springing a fetish on a new lover out of the blue is, generally speaking, not good social skills. Not using good social skills in sexual situations is, generally speaking, a recipe for disappointment. Now, yes, there are exceptions, but as a general rule, keeping your fetish under wraps until you blurt it out to a new person in your bed doesn’t generally lead to outstanding outcomes.
The problem is, some folks will, upon doing this and chasing the person who was in their bed right out of it, assume the problem was revealing their special kink, and keep it under wraps even more. Or worse yet, internalize shame and embarrassment about their kink, and so try to repress it.
A lot of people, particularly men, who have unusual kinks or fetishes tend to make two mistakes when they try to express their fetishes:
- They hit prospective lovers with their fetishes out of the blue, often in a way that makes things kinda weird; and
- They make it all about “me me me this is what I want me me me” without making their lover part of the equation.
Like, okay, let’s use the panty-sniffing example. This is a common fetish, it’s harmless, and there are a lot of women who dig it or at least are neutral about it.
To start with the second problem on the list, where a lot of men screw up (and just for the record, women can do this too, but for whatever reason, at least anecdotally, this seems more common in men than women) is making their fetish all about themselves while forgetting that sex is supposed to be a collaborative enterprise.
Like, I mean, okay, you’re a dude who gets hot sniffing panties. Cool! Nothing wrong with that, fill yer boots.
But then you’re all like “can I sniff your panties” and she’s like “okay, sure” and then you’re standing there with your face in her panties and you’re having the time of your life and meanwhile she’s standing there without her panties like “I’m right here, so, okay, when are we going to get to the part that involves me, instead of me just standing here like a dumbass?”
Sex is a collaboration. Don’t get so into your thing, whatever it is, that you leave your lover behind.
And just to be clear, people can do this even with fetishes that seem like they involve two people.
Like, there are a lot of dudes who are really, really into going down on women. They really like planting their face between a woman’s legs. This should be an easy win for the woman, right?
Except no it isn’t, because they’re so into it they’re doing it for their benefit and not hers, so they really don’t focus on making the experience a good one for her. They’re too self-absorbed to pay attention to, you know, what she likes about it. They’re so into eating pussy they forget the woman attached to it.
So that’s the bigger problem.
The lesser, but still significant, problem is the men who don’t have enough social skills to be open about their tastes and interests without being pushy about it.
For instance, I really enjoy fisting. I’ve fisted most of my lovers. I’ve been several women’s introduction to fisting.
But I don’t spring it on people out of the blue after we’ve started a date. If you are on a date with me, you almost certainly already know this is something I enjoy. I am quite open about my kinks and interests.
At the same time, you also know it’s not something I have to have. You’re not into it? Cool! Well do something else. I’m not going to spring it on you and then whine if it’s not your jam. Whatever it is you are into, there’s a pretty good chance I can make it work for me.
So back to the question. If you’re getting hot and heavy with someone, and you have a thing that’s really your jam, what happens when you tell the person you’re with about your thing?
Well, that depends. Are you open about your interests, preferably before your clothes come off, in a way that invites her along? Do you make it something the two of you share instead of something you’re so into that you forget there’s another person standing there? (To go back to panty sniffing, this is actually pretty easy. Go down on her while she’s still wearing them. Boom!) Are you okay if she’s not down with your jam, or if this is something you really need to have, are you open about it and do you use this as part of your selection criteria?
If you can answer these questions affirmatively, then yeah, your lover is almost certain to say yes.
If you get with someone and things are getting hot and heavy, then you spring your special interest on her without warning, but you do it in a way that’s respectful of the fact that there’s another actual person in this equation whose experience is important to you? Then you’re rolling the dice. Maybe yes, maybe no.
If you get with someone and things are getting hot and heavy, then you spring your special interest on her without warning in a kind of hamfisted way that makes it clear this is all about you, and this other human being standing in front of you is basically just a meat conduit for your fetish? Magic 8-Ball says, outlook not so good.
These aren’t ”sex things.” These are social skills things. A key part of basic social skills is simply engagement with other people. They’re not fetish props or non-player characters, they’re people, just as real as you are, and their experience matters just as much as yours. How do you avoid disappointment in sex? Remember that sex is a collaboration, and bring the other person along for the ride.
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