A conversation recently came up amongst a group of poly folks I know: what happens when a couple starts traveling down the road to polyamory, and then problems come up?

At first, I didn’t really understand the question. After all, what do we do when problems come up in any aspect of our lives? We deal with them. We attempt to solve them, the best way we know how. And, somehow, we muddle through. After all, that’s life, right? Doing the best we can with what we know, learning to treat one another with care…in the end, none of us is perfect, and none of us will have perfect lives.

Some of the answers the other folks have didn’t make a lot of sense to me. I heard people say things like, “Well, if we were to have problems, we would pull away from our other partners to focus on ourselves.” That left me thinking, “…but what about those other partners? How would they feel about that? Do they know you might pull away from them on a moment’s notice? Would they feel safe opening their hearts to you if they did?”

As we muddle our way through life, one of the first lessons we learn is that we don’t get do-overs. Sometimes, we get things wrong. Sometimes, the best we can with what we have isn’t enough. We fall down. We hurt people. Some of the choices we make have consequences that reach far into our lives and change our internal landscapes. Some of the choices we make can’t easily be unmade. It happens. We learn, we try to set right the things we do wrong, and we practice compassion.

It seems to me that this is a lesson that can get lost in polyamory.

We know, intuitively, that sometimes we face things that change our lives, steer us into turbulent waters, stress our relationships. Some of those things are choices: having a baby, say, or moving to a distant town. Some of those things aren’t choices: losing a job (I’ve seen relationship experts claim that financial stress can be more damaging to  relationships than infidelity!), a sick family member, even a new pet.

Most of us would probably be horrified if someone told us, “My husband and I are having a baby. If things get stressful, we’ll put it up for adoption and focus on ourselves.” We’d probably be just as horrified if someone told us, “My mother-in-law has had a stroke, so my wife is taking care of her. But don’t worry, if it starts to affect our relationship, we’ll pull back from her to concentrate on ourselves.”

When it comes to the rest of life, we get that there may be times when we feel stressed and our relationships may encounter rough water. We fortify ourselves with love and trust in our partners, we build tools of communication and resilience, and we do the best we can.

Why is this different with polyamory? Why do we intuitively understand that it’s not OK to pull away from those who love and need us just because the road is rough…until the moment when the people who love and need us are our lovers, and then suddenly it becomes okay to say, “We will pull back from you if things get tough?”

Things get tough. It happens. Those are not the times to pull away; when the water is choppy, those are the times to reach out, to be at our most compassionate. Compassion matters most when it is difficult to do, not when it is easy to do. Of all the ways we can deal with stress, pulling away from our lovers–from those people we have invited into our hearts–seems to me the least productive of all.

 

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3 Comments

lynelle · August 18, 2013 at 10:49 am

*yes*, to all of this! especially this:

“Why is this different with polyamory? Why do we intuitively understand that it’s not OK to pull away from those who love and need us just because the road is rough…until the moment when the people who love and need us are our lovers, and then suddenly it becomes okay to say, “We will pull back from you if things get tough?”

although i’d make a few distinction…
to me, some problems that come up involve reductions that might make sense, as a *result* of addressing the problem ~ caring for a mother-in-law who has had a stroke, caring for a new baby, or even working through problems in an existing relationship may involve more of my time, which *results* in less time for other people and things. to me, that is different than an overt decision to pull back from other loves.

and for me, i *might* pull back from supporting my mother-in-law if the time and the work involved in caring for her myself is becoming so huge that my marriage, kids, or job are being impacted negatively. i might need to shift support strategies ~ to find more family members to help, hire professionals, and/or see how technology might help alleviate my workload a bit ~ effectively pulling back from her to concentrate a little more on myself and the other people and things that also need me, while still coordinating for her care and support, but possibly less directly from me.

in other words, to me, any problem might involve an initial or eventual reconsideration of resource allocation. and the initial and eventual resource allocations may result in more time, energy, focus on one person, problem, or relationship than another for a while.
~~~~~
when the issue is problems in the “primary” relationship, and the overt strategy and intent is to specifically pull back from other loves, i’ve seen it manifest in different ways beyond pulling back from other loves ~ expecting other loves to back away indefinitely, and/or setting restrictive limits (beyond what it takes to honor existing commitments) to address fears in the primary relationship, and/or expecting everyone to put a primary partner’s fears above everyone else’s own feelings… and/or wanting to control details of the other relationships, and/or other things…?

for me, there’s something “bigger” and different about that those scenarios than just resource re-allocation that is understandable and often necessary to address problems that come up in life and relationships.

to me, those strategies treat other loves and “secondary” relationships as overtly less-than and/or disposable. while i don’t want to sign up for that, i do appreciate it when people are overt about believing in and supporting those strategies. it hurts my heart, yet their overtness enables me to stay far away. silver lining…?

Kitty · August 18, 2013 at 4:28 pm

This kind of post is exactly why I am so happy that you two are writing a book.

My first boyfriend (of my current active partners) and I took our time coming to the label “polyamorous,” and so we developed our own rules outside of the influence of the community. I understand where people are coming from when they develop veto rules, but it just never occurred to us. Whenever we preemptively talked about situations like one of us dating someone the other disapproved of, or a new relationship escalating to a level that might make the other uncomfortable, we decided we’d talk about it and deal with it as it happens.

We were and still are very important to each other, and we do think of “us” as a specific unit, but before we even started dating other people, we always acknowledged that we both have lots of other important relationships and other significant priorities in life. I may know him better than perhaps anyone else, but that doesn’t mean that I always take priority at the expense of everything and everyone else in his life.

Laura · March 27, 2015 at 4:33 pm

Read your book and really find it helpful. Want more discussions

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