I’m typing this blog post in front of a huge picture window overlooking a temperate rainforest in rural Washington state, which means I’m back at the cabin where Eve Rickert and I wrote our polyamory book More Than Two. The cabin kitty, Whiskers, has been happy to see us, and has scarcely stopped begging for treats since we got here.
This time, I’m here to write my memoir, The Game Changer, about my relationship with my partner Shelly and the many and varied ways it changed my life. Poly folks–especially those of us who are poly activists–tend to be salesmen for polyamory, which means we don’t really talk about the ways polyamory can be disruptive…even when we have years of experience and think we have a pretty good bead on how to make it work.
A lot of folks contributed to the croudfunding of this book, and yet, I’m feeling kinda stuck. For years, I’ve written about the lessons I’ve learned and the conclusions I’ve come to, without really writing about how I got there. Now, in this memoir, I’m trying to write something very different from anything I’ve done before: I’m trying to write the personal story of how I came to be who I am, and how I learned the things I’ve learned. And it’s really hard! They say you get good at what you practice. I haven’t practiced this kind of writing.
And that means, for the first time I can remember, I’m grappling with imposter syndrome. I know you all helped support this book financially, and that means you want to read it…and I don’t want to let you down. But I am struggling with how to write this book.
So, for those of you who want to read The Game Changer, I would love if you could tell me a bit about why you want to read it. I’m trying to get this thing out of my head and into the computer, and I could use your encouragement.
Whiskers and I both thank you.
6 Comments
Sarah · January 12, 2015 at 1:23 pm
Speaking as someone who had a committed relationship end while in a poly relationship with someone else, I’m interested in reading about how your perspectives on commitment and dedication to a relationship changed in the context of being polyamorous.
I didn’t end my first relationship in order to be with my other partner–I was already with both of them. I ended my first relationship because I realized it wasn’t making me happy or challenging me, or at least not as happy/challenged as I wanted to be in the long term. If I hadn’t been in another relationship, I probably wouldn’t have realized how dissatisfied I was in the first relationship… so in that way, polyamory contributed to my first relationship ending.
It’s complicated to digest–the frame of reference by which we make one decision can change radically over the course of a few years. We make following decisions differently as that frame changes… and sometimes we undo decisions that we made earlier because the new frame makes them impossible to tolerate.
Wes · January 12, 2015 at 1:36 pm
I want to read it because I think learning from others’ mistakes is one of the best ways we learn. More Than Two was full of anecdotes about people behaving badly, and what they learned from those situations. I’m looking forward to The Game Changer because it promises to be an educational experience.
It’s also nice to see that the people we look up to were naive kids at one point, and to see how they got where they are today.
Damien · January 12, 2015 at 4:22 pm
Where More Than Two used anecdotes to support advice/lessons, I’d kind of been hoping that, via what some might consider an alternative-reality or redefinition of a “love story”, The Game Changer would include a lot of the same themes, but in a “show-not-tell” kind of way. Where MTT was the teacher’s edition, TGC could be seen as the book being studied, where people derive their own interpretations.
PolyCorn · January 12, 2015 at 4:50 pm
Your site helped me navigate my first openly poly relationships and helped me better communicate my relationship needs. I’ve gone on to purchase several copies of your first book for other friends on the poly path.
Part of what resonated with your advice is that I could tell you have BTDT. I’d like to read (and learn more) about how your relationships have evolved.
Best of luck, Franklin.
Sturgeon · January 13, 2015 at 7:48 pm
I want to read your book because I may have been a game changer in someone else’s life, and I want to understand that better and also move past the guilt and grief that still lingers about that. The person I was involved with was my entry into polyamory, and I played the same role for him. I was already with a long-term partner and so was he. My pre-existing relationship survived and has become stronger. The same did not happen for him, and he eventually broke things off with me at his partner’s demand. Now, a couple years later (during which we’ve had virtually no contact) I’ve learned from him that she’s asked for a separation. Certainly, this man was a game changer for me, but I’ve ended up in a better place with my partner, and now we both embrace polyamory. Was I a game changer in this other man’s life? If so, it’s a difficult place to hold, knowing all the pain that both he and his partner have experienced. They have gotten way more honest with each other, and he reports that their love is as deep, or deeper, than ever. But still, they appear to be splitting up.
I could use some insights into how to hold our roles in other people’s lives when sometimes there is pain involved, even when we have tried our best to be compassionate, honest, etc.. How do we not see ourselves as “bad” or wrong, and/or how do we deal with what might be rough judgment by other people?
Dusty · January 17, 2015 at 7:25 pm
I’ve been polyamorous my entire life, I just didn’t know what it was. I was taught that it was impossible and wrong to love more than one person. I knew I could, and did, more than once, but guilt over “being a bad person” was always there. That guilt made me sublimate who I was for the sake of other’s standards and
“needs”.
Now in my early 60’s, I met a man whom I was very much attracted to, and not being in a relationship at that time (my husband had died), I let it unfold. He is polyamorous and I am now his secondary love of three years. What a learning curve! I’ve never felt such freedom, acceptance and autonomy. I finally accept who I am and love myself for my inborn uniqueness. I love and honor him for his commitment to his primary partner and to me. It’s difficult navigating sometimes, but so was the alternative. So, Franklin, write your story. There are so many people, such as myself, who are living and learning and whatever wisdom you may pass on will be totally appreciated.