Some years ago, I answered a question on social media about the things I would include in a Relationship Cheat Sheet, a quick guide to the habits and skills that lead to good relationships.
This is distinct from the Relationship Principles poster I made some years back; it’s more a “here’s a list of skills and attitudes and such that’ll help you end up in better relationships.” I kinda wish I’d known about these when I first started this messy, complicated business of human relationships all those years ago.
Anyway, I’ve dusted off and revised that antique social media essay, so I would like to present:
The Revised and Updated Relationship Cheat Sheet: Things to Keep in Mind for Healthier Relationships
image: Everton Vila
#1: Partner selection.
A lot of relationship problems can be avoided by careful partner selection. Many people feel feelings in their feel-parts, then plunge headlong into a relationship, naively believing that Love Conquers All. Then they wake up some time later to discover they have totally different ideas about sex, family, children, priorities, work, or whatever, and they start trying to figure out how to “get” their partner to be compatible with them. You don’t marry an incompatible partner and try to make them compatible.
That doesn’t work.
A big part of good partner selection is authenticity. When you go on a date, the purpose of the date is not to impress the other person; it’s to figure out if you’re on the same page about what you want. Don’t try to be what you think the other person wants you to be. Be who you are. If that scares them off, good! That’s the point. You want to scare off people who aren’t interested in the real you.
#2: Personal responsibility.
The phrase “personal responsibility” is a bit of a shibboleth in American society right now, and a lot of folks use it in some highly…weird ways.
When I say “personal responsibility,” what I mean is this: One of the hardest of all life lessons is this: Just because I feel bad doesn’t necessarily mean someone else is doing something wrong. Just because I feel good doesn’t necessarily mean what I am doing is right. On some level, you are responsible for your feelings and actions. That doesn’t mean your partner can’t affect you; intimacy is all about allowing someone else close enough to affect you very deeply. But it does mean your feelings aren’t your partner’s fault.
Personal responsibility is the approach that starts with “I feel, therefore I…” rather than “I feel, therefore you…” We all feel negative things from time to time, but many of us are taught that we deal with them by controlling the people around us. “I feel insecure when you talk to other men, therefore I want you to stop talking to your male friends.” “I don’t like when you don’t respond to my messages right away, therefore I need you to respond every time I message you.”
It’s okay to ask your partner to help when you feel a bit wibbly, but if your first impulse is to deal with your own feelings by telling your partner what to do, that’s a problem.
Nowhere is this more true than with jealousy. Inexperienced people with poorly developed emotional skills say “never, ever do anything that makes your partner jealous.” More experienced people know jealousy is rooted in insecurity, which means it is impossible to remove every trigger that can lead to jealousy. Instead, you handle jealousy by building personal security.
#3: Communication. Obviously.
Entire books can be, and have been, written about this. The easiest way to tell the health of a relationship is by the quality of the communication in it.
Alas, many people deliberately build barriers to communication, sometimes out of shame, sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of insecurity. They are afraid to talk about their past, about their sexual desires, about their former relationships—and then they say things like “My spouse doesn’t really know me. I guess men and women just can’t understand each other!” No, men and women can’t read minds. Every single thing you can’t or won’t talk about is a barrier to intimacy.
Also, keep in mind that, in light of Principle #2, communication is not just “me telling you what to do.” Communication is a two-way street, and it requires genuine vulnerability. “I feel insecure when you talk to other women, so you need to stop doing that” isn’t communication. Communication is not the same thing as instruction.
#4: Trust.
You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust. Can’t be done. If you need to see your partner’s phone or email accounts, you don’t trust them. “I have trust issues” is the world’s greatest cop-out. You learn to ride a bike by getting on a bike and riding. You learn to trust by trusting.
This is sometimes scary. You might think you need proof in order to trust your lover. You don’t. If you have to see their phone or read their social media, you don’t trust them. Fundamental to the idea of trust is the premise that your partner wants to do right by you, and does not need constant surveillance to be kept on the right path.
#5: Respect.
Again, you can’t have a healthy relationship without it. The moment your partner becomes your adversary rather than your ally, you’re done. Oh, and regarding point 4 above, respect includes respecting your partner’s privacy. If you feel you have to have your partner’s passwords and cell phone passcode, congratulations! You’ve got two relationship-killers for the price of one.
#6: Interdependence rather than codependency.
If your partner is your whole world, your reason for being, your everything, the reason you wake up in the morning…that’s codependent, and over time will likely strangle your relationship stone dead and leave you clinging clinging to the lifeless husk. Healthy people have, and healthy relationships allow room for, other hobbies, interests, and friends.
Hollywood has sold you a lie. If your partner needs you, cannot live without you, that’s not a good relationship. The best relationships are the ones where you and your lover want each other, not where you need each other.
You are a person, complete in yourself. In a healthy relationship, your partner is not your sole reason for living. If you don’t know who you are on your own, how can you hope to meet your partner as an equal, on equal terms?
#7: Other Friendships.
Expecting your partner to be your entire world, your source of everything that you need in your social life, is a big ask. It’s also, frankly, kind of problematic. Yes, even married people can and should have meaningful connections with other people.
In fact, if anyone tells you otherwise, look out. Any abuse counselor or therapist will tell you that attempting to control your partner’s social activities is invariably the first step down the road to abuse.
#8: Mutual reciprocal support.
A healthy relationship always has a balance between what each person brings to the relationship and what they receive from the relationship. If you find that your relationship is all give and no take, especially if you’re expected to sacrifice your dreams to help your partner reach theirs, look out.
Good relationships are partnerships between people who can reach further and accomplish more together than they could apart. If your relationship offers no support for you in accomplishing your goals, something’s wrong.
#9: Consent.
In all aspects of the relationship, not just sex. Healthy relationships are voluntary. They are not prisons. If you can not set boundaries and have them respected, something’s come off the rails.
Remember, though, that boundaries concern access to yourself—your body, your intimacy, your emotions. “Don’t talk to me like that” is a boundary. “Don’t talk to your ex” is not a boundary.
We tend to think of “consent” in terms of sex, but consent extends to every aspect of a relationship. This includes consent to things like affectionate, non-sexual touching, and even to how you arrange chores in a relationship. Good relationships are mutually negotiated and consensual, not one person dictating to another How It Will Be. If you feel like you can’t say no, or you can’t tell your partner something they don’t want to hear, or you are trapped and can’t leave the relationship, that relationship is dysfunctional.
#10: Space to be yourself.
You are an independent person, not a cog in the relationship. You have the right to express yourself, to hold opinions, to advocate for your needs, to say no, and to have your values respected. You have the right to interests, hobbies, and activities beyond your partner.
That doesn’t mean you have the right to be obeyed, by the way; your partner, too, is an independent person. There may be times when you want space to yourself. A good relationship gives you that. Real love understands that.
#11: Security.
Insecurity is poisonous to relationships. It often causes us to act out in ways that cause the very thing we’re afraid of. Being able to acknowledge insecurity for what it is and ask for support from your partner is a blessing. Blaming your partner, mistreating your partner, or trying to deal with your insecurities by controlling your partner (“you aren’t allowed to be friends with other women,” “I don’t want you going anywhere without me”) is toxic.
#12: Directness.
A good relationship allows you to advocate for your needs (which, by the way, is different from telling your partner what to do). Talk openly and directly about what you want. Never, ever play games: “I want him to chase me,” “if she really cared about me she’d know what was wrong.”
There’s some nuance here, of course, because we are all too often socialized to confuse our needs with control over our partner’s behavior. “I need direct communication” is a need. “I need you not to make me jealous by talking to other men” is not.
Directness also means communicating clearly without protest behavior. I realize that protest behavior, the push-you-pull-me passive-aggressive habit of trying to make your partner understand you by making them feel bad or pushing them away, is a deeply human thing. It’s also a deeply destructive thing. Picking fights, trying to make your partner feel jealous or insecure, pretending to leave to try to get your partner to beg you to stay…these are corrosive. Don’t do them.
#13: Assume good intent.
This is part of trust, but assumption of good intent is the bedrock foundation upon which good relationships are built.
What does it mean? It means starting from the assumption that your partner is there because they love you and want to be with you. Given a choice, they will choose to nurture and support you. If you can’t assume good intent from your partner, it doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong…you’re done for.
#14: Vulnerability.
A healthy intimate relationship requires that you be able to show up as your authentic self, and that means vulnerability. If you want your partner to see you, you have to let them in. That means being who you are, not who you think your spouse wants you to be. It means being honest about your fears and weaknesses. It means being able to be unguarded. This is scary. Love is not for cowards. Show up or go home.
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