{"id":3571,"date":"2026-03-15T13:17:01","date_gmt":"2026-03-15T20:17:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3571"},"modified":"2026-03-15T14:13:29","modified_gmt":"2026-03-15T21:13:29","slug":"love-and-communication-considered-harmful","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2026\/03\/love-and-communication-considered-harmful","title":{"rendered":"Love and Communication Considered Harmful"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communication-considered-harmful.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"633\" height=\"436\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communication-considered-harmful.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3572\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communication-considered-harmful.jpg 633w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communication-considered-harmful-300x207.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 633px) 100vw, 633px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><em>Image: <a href=\"https:\/\/depositphotos.com\/portfolio-1007566.html?content=vector\">yupiramos<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cPolyamory is abundant love! The first rule of polyamory is communicate, communicate, communicate!\u201d Raise your hand if you\u2019ve ever heard one of those things. Raise both hands if you\u2019ve heard them both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Today I\u2019m going to throw cold water on your hopes and dreams, commit an act of heresy, and possibly make you angry: <em>Both of these mantras are nonsense.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In fact, no, I&#8217;m going to go further than that: Both of these ideas are <em>dangerous<\/em> nonsense, if misapplied, because both of these ideas can trap you. There\u2019s a subtle danger in these thoughts, as there usually is in any Profound Truth\u2122 that\u2019s small enough to fit on a bumper sticker. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Polyamorous folks (well, not <em>just<\/em> polyamorous folks, but polyamorous folks are particularly bad about it) like to believe that love conquers all, and communication solves any problem. Hell, I used to believe the bit about communication myself. You&#8217;ll probably find words to that effect buried somewhere in my various blogs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But here&#8217;s the thing:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Love is not miraculous. There\u2019s a saying, \u201clove is gentle, love is kind.\u201d I can\u2019t tell you how many times I\u2019ve heard people say some variant on \u201cif they love you they won\u2019t mistreat you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Not to be a downer, but that\u2019s absolute rubbish. Someone can indeed sincerely love you to the best of their abilities and still mistreat, even abuse, you. It\u2019s tempting to want to believe that someone who loves you will never abuse you. \u201cLove is gentle, love is kind\u201d is a cultural narrative a lot of folks cling to because we want to idealize love, to see love as some mystical thing that magically brings out the best in us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s bullshit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Abuse is most commonly rooted in a need for power and control. Here\u2019s an ugly, uncomfortable truth a lot of people would rather not think about: Abusers generally don\u2019t abuse people they don\u2019t care about. They abuse people they\u2019re deeply frightened of losing. Abuse is a&nbsp;<em>dysfunctional response to love and attachment.<\/em>&nbsp;Abusers abuse you when they\u2019re afraid that loss of control over you means they will lose their relationship with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I think the people who believe if someone hits you or gaslights you or manipulates you obviously doesn\u2019t love you are well-meaning but dangerous. Those who are abused often say \u201cwell then, what I am experiencing cannot be abuse, because it is quite clear that my partner loves me.\u201d I\u2019ve experienced this myself, and it caused me to stay in relationships I should have left much sooner. I sincerely believe those who abused me, loved me to the greatest extent they was capable of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Yes, a person can love you and still abuse you. That\u2019s an awful thing that is hard to stomach, but it\u2019s true, and we do those in abusive relationships no favors by pretending it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cDoes the person who hits me love me\u201d is the wrong question to ask, because our cultural narratives around love teach us that love is the point of a romantic relationship, and so if we are loved, of course we should stay in the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>No.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes it\u2019s possible to be in a loving relationship&nbsp;<em>that still isn\u2019t good for us.<\/em>&nbsp;We need to be able to acknowledge that. A person can sincerely love you to the bottom of their heart and still be bad for you. It <em>doesn\u2019t matter<\/em> if someone loves you or not. Framing questions about should you stay or go in terms of whether or how much the other person loves you is the wrong way \u2019round, and will lead you to staying in harmful, destructive relationships. What matters is, should you stay in a relationship with someone who mistreats you? The answer to that question is no, <em>even if that person loves you<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now let\u2019s talk about communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communicating-couple.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"576\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communicating-couple-1024x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3575\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communicating-couple-1024x576.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communicating-couple-300x169.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communicating-couple-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communicating-couple-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/communicating-couple.jpg 2000w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Image: <a href=\"https:\/\/depositphotos.com\/portfolio-7893220.html?content=photo\">Stockbursters<\/a> on depositphotos<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A lot of polyamorous folks will tell you \u201ccommunication is rule 1 of polyamory.\u201d Go to any poly meetup or talk to any poly folks about problem-solving and you\u2019ll hear \u201ccommunicate, communicate, communicate.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Which is, in most circumstances, most of the time, not a bad idea (in before anyone starts shrieking, \u201chey, look everyone, Franklin says you shouldn\u2019t communicate!\u201d), but it isn\u2019t the panacea some poly folks make it out to be and it isn\u2019t always the right solution, or&#8230;(get your torches and pitchforks, folks!) even always the right way to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss is credited with saying, \u201cThere are people who don&#8217;t argue to resolve. They argue to win. And winning means you feel crazy by the end.\u201d He makes a distinction between people who communicate to solve problems and make themselves understood, and what he calls \u201cinstrumental communicators,\u201d people who communicate to get their own way and establish power or control. To an instrumental communicator, words aren\u2019t tools of communication, they\u2019re instruments to assert control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cCommunicate, communicate, communicate\u201d assumes everyone is on the same page and is seeking genuine understanding. To instrumental communicatiors, communication isn\u2019t that, and you will not make yourself understood through communication. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You cannot, you <em>cannot<\/em> communicate with an instrumental communicator to arrive at consensus or understanding. An instrumental communicator seeks control, not understanding and <em>certainly<\/em> not compromise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Voss has advice for dealing with instrumental communicators: Withdraw from playing their game.  Don\u2019t explain yourself. Don\u2019t defend. Don\u2019t give them an emotional reaction they can exploit or manipulate. Don\u2019t try to make them understand you; that\u2019s not their goal in the exchange. Respond neutrally. \u201cIt sounds like you\u2019re angry. It sounds like you\u2019re frustrated.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Then <em>stop talking<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A common tactic of instrumental communicators is they want you to fill the voids in the conversation with your own words, your own emotions, so they can find something to manipulate you with. <em>Don\u2019t play that game<\/em>. Keep your replies short, on-topic, and unemotional. Don\u2019t try to fill the silent spaces.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Therapists call this \u201cgoing gray rock\u201d or \u201cthe gray rock strategy.\u201d By not engaging emotionally, by not losing your temper or becoming defensive, by listening but making your responses emotionally neutral, by not volunteering information that can be weaponized against you, by giving short answers directly on point, you deprive the instrumental communicator of the emotional hooks to manipulate you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Instrumental communicators do not like gray rock communication strategies; that\u2019s kind of the point. You\u2019re not engaging on their grounds, on a playing field they control, and by not doing that you deprive them of the means to control you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Instrumental communicators and manipulators may hate you for this, they may tell you that by not reacting with anger or defensiveness you\u2019re harming them&#8230;and they may even believe it, because you aren\u2019t giving them what they want. Abuse and instrumental communication are both rooted in need for control, and a person who needs control can genuinely feel harmed by not having it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thing is, <em>you cannot communicate your way to a resolution with an instrumental communicator<\/em>, at least not a resolution based on consensus rather than control. When you\u2019re engaged with an instrumental communicator, the only winning move is not to play.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Image: yupiramos \u201cPolyamory is abundant love! The first rule of polyamory is communicate, communicate, communicate!\u201d Raise your hand if you\u2019ve ever heard one of those things. Raise both hands if you\u2019ve heard them both. Today I\u2019m going to throw cold water on your hopes and dreams, commit an act of [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[66,31,32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3571","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-ethics-2","category-polyamory-2"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Love and Communication Considered Harmful - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2026\/03\/love-and-communication-considered-harmful\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Love and Communication Considered Harmful - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Image: yupiramos \u201cPolyamory is abundant love! The first rule of polyamory is communicate, communicate, communicate!\u201d Raise your hand if you\u2019ve ever heard one of those things. Raise both hands if you\u2019ve heard them both. 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The first rule of polyamory is communicate, communicate, communicate!\u201d Raise your hand if you\u2019ve ever heard one of those things. Raise both hands if you\u2019ve heard them both. 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