{"id":3510,"date":"2024-08-10T20:05:53","date_gmt":"2024-08-11T03:05:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3510"},"modified":"2024-08-11T13:05:02","modified_gmt":"2024-08-11T20:05:02","slug":"spotlight-on-poly-breakups","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/08\/spotlight-on-poly-breakups","title":{"rendered":"Spotlight on Poly Breakups"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded <\/em>More Than Two site<\/em><\/a>. This essay spotlights the Poly Breakups page<\/a>. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Image: serezniy<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every now and then, when I talk to people who aren\u2019t polyamorous by nature, someone will say something that leaves my jaw on the floor. No, no, I don\u2019t mean something like \u201cyou can only be in love with one person at a time\u201d (which, to be fair, is true…for the people who say that; the only odd part is the number of folks who imagine that if they<\/em> can\u2019t be in love with more than one person at once, that means nobody<\/em> can. Hey, I can\u2019t swim, but I don\u2019t go around saying nobody can swim!), I mean something really head-spinning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like \u201cif you\u2019re polyamorous, that must mean breakups are no big deal, not like they are for us monogamous folks, because you still have other partners.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which is…wow. Even as hot takes go, that\u2019s a mess. You have two parents? Then it surely doesn\u2019t hurt if you lose one, because you still have one left, right? Loss doesn\u2019t hurt if you have spares, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be perfectly\u2014perhaps unreasonably\u2014fair, there is perhaps one tiny kernel of truth (from Obi-Wan Kenobi\u2019s \u201ccertain point of view\u201d) in the idea that polyamorous folks have an advantage in a breakup: Being surrounded by love and support when you endure loss makes the loss at least a little bit easier to deal with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This isn\u2019t really a polyamory thing, though. It\u2019s true of monogamous people as well. We are social creatures. Grief shared is grief divided. The people around you don\u2019t have to be lovers, or romantic partners, they only have to be supportive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But as long as we\u2019re talking about breakups, there\u2019s something else I\u2019d like to say:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Breakups aren\u2019t always a problem. Sometimes, they\u2019re a solution<\/em> to a problem.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Image: Stephen Harlan<\/a><\/path><\/path><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We live in a society that tells us the minimum acceptable standard for a relationship is \u201cit lasts until somebody dies.\u201d (Which, all too often, can be the exact outcome if people try to stay in relationships that really need to end.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emphasizing the longevity of relationships over the joy they bring has done tremendous damage to the happiness of the human race.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong, it\u2019s perfectly healthy to want vibrant, stable, solid relationships. Nobody goes into a relationship saying \u201coh boy, I really hope we break up, that would be awesome!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thing is, you don\u2019t get there by forcing yourself to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable, and a society doesn\u2019t get there by forcing people to stay in a wedding that\u2019s turned dysfunctional. You get there by learning the skills to make good partner choices and solve relationship problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a sense, it\u2019s like what happens when you ban abortion: you act in service of evil from a sincere desire to do good, because you don\u2019t understand that the way to reduce abortion isn\u2019t by forcing women to carry children they cannot care for or carry dead fetuses in their womb, it\u2019s by providing education, support, neonatal resources, maternity leave, healthcare, and so on. Far<\/em> too many people aren’t ready for that conversation…but I digress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The best, healthiest relationships are voluntary, they\u2019re not prisons. If a relationship doesn\u2019t work for you, and it becomes clear that it cannot be made to work for you, you have the right to leave. If a relationship doesn\u2019t work for your partner, and they believe it cannot be made to work, they have the right to leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yeah, it sucks, I get it, believe me. That\u2019s the way of being an adult. Love is not for cowards. If you love, you risk heartbreak. If you love multiple people, you risk more heartbreak. Call it table stakes in the game of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hurt and Harm<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Image: chepko<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Breakups hurt. They suck and they\u2019re miserable and in the middle of heartbreak it can be really, really tough to remember that hurt<\/em> is not necessarily harm.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We all, every one of us, step on each other\u2019s toes from time to time. We are born of frailty and error and we all collect dents and scratches on this trip through life. It happens, even when you mean well, and others will do it to you even when they mean well. A certain amount of hurt is inevitable. It is noble to want never to hurt unnecessarily, but it will happen from time to time and you can never reduce the times it happens to zero.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There will be times when you hurt someone and you will never, ever, ever have an opportunity to be understood or make things right. There will be times when others hurt you, and you will never, ever, ever understand why. This too is inevitable. It\u2019s part of the price you pay to be here, a human being enjoying these brief moments in the sun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But here\u2019s the thing:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not all hurt is harm. If you accidentally step on my toe but cause only minor and passing discomfort, you have hurt me but not harmed me. We get hurt all the time.Yes, you have a duty of care to other fragile human beings to try, insofar as is possible without compromising yourself and your boundaries, not to hurt others, but it is also your responsibility to recognize the difference between hurt and harm when it happens to you, and to understand that not all the hurt you deal to others on your journey through life is harm. It is not necessary to hoist yourself upon the rack for a minor and passing hurt, and it is not helpful to you to elevate hurt done to you to harm in order to make yourself feel better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And you want to know something that really sucks? There will be times when you hurt someone and you will never, ever, ever have an opportunity to be understood or make things right. There will be times when others hurt you, and you will never, ever, ever understand why. This too is inevitable. It\u2019s part of the price you pay to be here, a human being enjoying these brief moments in the sun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, what do you do after a breakup?<\/p>\n\n\n\n