{"id":3496,"date":"2024-07-16T15:53:43","date_gmt":"2024-07-16T22:53:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3496"},"modified":"2024-07-16T15:53:44","modified_gmt":"2024-07-16T22:53:44","slug":"spotlight-on-communication-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/07\/spotlight-on-communication-in-relationships","title":{"rendered":"Spotlight on Communication in Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0<\/em>More Than Two site<\/em><\/a>. This essay spotlights the\u00a0Communication page<\/a>. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Image:\u00a0ots-photo<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another day in the wasteland that is the politically polarized hellscape of US politics. You know what this country needs? More genuine communication.1<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Communication page has long been one of the longest pages on the More Than Two site, and now…it\u2019s even longer! Because more words means more communication, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The new Communication page is crammed full of tips, tricks, and techniques for open communication, some of them in brand-new handy-dandy lists, because everyone says people love lists, and who am I to disagree?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I traveled the world and the seven seas overhauling this page, but in this essay I\u2019d like to zoom in on something that doesn\u2019t get enough attention in How To Communicate essays: when communication isn\u2019t (necessarily) communication. Which is why there\u2019s a cute kitten at the start of this essay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, adult cats rarely meow to each other, preferring to communicate with tail posure and body language and scent markings and such. But cats are adaptable, and part of the process of domesticating themselves meant learning to communicate with us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It turns out cat meows aren\u2019t really communication the way most of us think about communication. Cat meows are occasionally requests for food and attention, sure, but a lot of their meows are what linguists call affirmative signaling<\/strong>, communication that simply reinforces a shared social bond. More \u201chey, \u2019sup\u201d than \u201cgive me food now please, and I mean the squishy kind.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thing is, people do affirmative signaling too, all the time, both in romantic relationships and in the subcommunities and social circles they belong to. In fact, subcommunities will evolve entire specialized jargons as a form of in-group communication and affirmative signaling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Problems crop up when one party expresses what\u2019s intended to be affirmative signaling, which the other party interprets as substantive communication or a specific request. You know the social trope that women complain about their problems and men offer solutions instead of just listening? Yeah, that\u2019s an affirmative signaling misinterpretation, though the trope is pointlessly gendered\u2014men and women both do affirmative signaling, so it pays to be explicit about what you\u2019re looking for. (There\u2019s nothing wrong with saying \u201clook, I\u2019m not trying to get you to fix this, I just need to vent to you for a bit,\u201d and there\u2019s nothing wrong with asking \u201chey, are you looking for solutions or just a sympathetic ear?\u201d if you\u2019re not sure. See? Communication!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Affirmative Signaling\u2019s Evil Twin<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Image: yuriyzhuravov<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a darker, dysfunctional form of affirmative signaling, and that\u2019s the toxic mess of passive-aggressive bids for attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A \u201cbid for attention\u201d is an attempt, usually indirect, for someone else\u2019s affection, attention, or connection. Bids for attention can be as simple and straightforward as \u201chey, I\u2019d really like your attention right now\u201d (see? Communication!), but humans being what we are, they\u2019re rarely so straightforward. Like affirmative signaling, a bid for attention is a communication that attempts to reinforce social bonds. But, because people are messy and we sometimes learn dysfunctional strategies, and many people come from backgrounds that don\u2019t model healthy communication, and<\/em> we often make bids for attention when we\u2019re feeling left out or disconnected, bids for attention are frequently passive-aggressive and sometimes out and out hostile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And look, we\u2019ve all done this. You, me, your lovers, basically everyone is capable of doing this\u2014lashing out or being abrasive or otherwise pushing away the person we most want to bring closer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, it makes a kind of sense. You\u2019re hurting, so you want to hurt the person you blame for your pain, but you also want reassurance and comfort, so you play the Fucked Up Sweepstakes hoping to win Love and Connection rather than Relationship Meltdown. And like I said, we\u2019ve all been there at some point or another, though some folks make it a regular vacation spot, often as a maladaptive response to some sort of childhood toxicity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thing is, every time you ride this merry-go-round, you damage your relationship just a little bit. And relationship damage is kind of like radiation damage to a body: yeah, you can heal most of it, but there\u2019s aways that little residue that builds up. Play the game too many times, and the other person may just decide to leave, with you standing there blinking and saying \u201cbut we were doing so well, what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You act out at a romantic partner at your peril. Many of us learn that lesson early on in our relationship lives; some of us…don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you\u2019re faced with a partner making these kinds of destructive bids for attention in your general direction, it\u2019s absolutely appropriate to say \u201cyou seem to be prickly, is something bothering you?\u201d (See? Communication!) It\u2019s also appropriate to set boundaries2<\/sup>: \u201cDon\u2019t talk to me that way,\u201d \u201cdon\u2019t use that language with me.\u201d (This has often been, in full honesty, a place where I fall down myself; I have history, which has been the subject of many conversations with my therapist, of not setting boundaries but instead accepting poor treatment until I reach a point where I\u2019ve had enough, and I end the relationship, and my former partner is like \u201c…but you let me call you names and yell at you those other 157 times, what changed this time?\u201d) Boundaries are a kindness to yourself and<\/em> your lover.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway, the new communication page is rather longer than the old, with a lot of new advice that comes from the past few years of experience and observation, because as they say good judgment (and good communication!) comes from experience, and experience comes from poor judgment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1 And cats. More cats, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2 Remember, boundaries are things you set on yourself<\/em>: access to you, your body, your intimacy, your property. Not things you set on others. \u201cDon\u2019t call me names\u201d is a boundary. \u201cDon\u2019t call me at 2AM\u201d is a boundary. \u201cDon\u2019t talk to other men\u201d is not a boundary.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the\u00a0Communication page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks! Image:\u00a0ots-photo Another day in the wasteland that is the politically polarized hellscape of US politics. You know what this […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[82,12],"class_list":["post-3496","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-abuse","tag-polyamory"],"yoast_head":"\nSpotlight on Communication in Relationships - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/07\/spotlight-on-communication-in-relationships\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Spotlight on Communication in Relationships - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. 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