{"id":3483,"date":"2024-07-11T15:35:30","date_gmt":"2024-07-11T22:35:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3483"},"modified":"2024-07-11T15:35:33","modified_gmt":"2024-07-11T22:35:33","slug":"spotlight-on-can-women-be-abusers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/07\/spotlight-on-can-women-be-abusers","title":{"rendered":"Spotlight on Can Women be Abusers?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>More Than Two site<\/em><\/a><em>. This essay spotlights the\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/abuse-women.html\">Can Women be Abusers? page<\/a>. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-right wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cReality is so flexible these days, it\u2019s hard to tell who\u2019s disconnected<br>from it and who isn\u2019t. You might even say it\u2019s a pointless distinction.\u201d<br>\u2015\u00a0Richard K. Morgan,\u00a0<em>Altered Carbon<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m back from a conference in California, where I debuted a new book and participated in a writers\u2019 panel, and now it\u2019s time to look at the new content on the More Than Two site again!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I hadn\u2019t intended to spotlight this particular page now. I\u2019d wanted to spotlight the updated Communication page, because I\u2019ve been reading a lot about communication lately and run into some new ideas I want to talk about that I don\u2019t see in a lot of conversations about polyamory and communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Then I logged onto Threads, which is Facebook\u2019s answer to Twitter<sup data-fn=\"95478064-6f89-4e7f-84c3-b264bb1d5bdf\" class=\"fn\"><a id=\"95478064-6f89-4e7f-84c3-b264bb1d5bdf-link\" href=\"#95478064-6f89-4e7f-84c3-b264bb1d5bdf\">1<\/a><\/sup>, and saw this fucking gem:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mood-ring-women-abuse.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"750\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mood-ring-women-abuse.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3484\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mood-ring-women-abuse.jpg 700w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mood-ring-women-abuse-280x300.jpg 280w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And, of course, predictably, when some folks pointed out how problematic this is, a lot of other folks responded with \u201dit\u2019s just a joke!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I kinda wonder which part is the joke. What&#8217;s the funny bit? It\u2019s funny because she hits him when she gets mad? I don\u2019t get it. (You know what is funny? When you say \u201cI don\u2019t get it, what\u2019s the joke?\u201d the people who say its just a joke get mad.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So here\u2019s the thing:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This joke is sexist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But it\u2019s not sexist against men. I mean, it kinda is, a little, but the humor, the key contradiction that makes (some) people laugh, the essential tension all humor relies on, is deeply sexist <strong>against women<\/strong>. Far more than it is against men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You see, it\u2019s funny because it\u2019s absurd, right? No <em>real<\/em> man would let himself be pushed around by a woman, right? Women are weak! Women aren\u2019t a <em>threat<\/em>! The whole idea of women hitting men is ludicrous! In the real world, men are stronger than women, so obviously men have nothing to fear from women! Only some candyass soy-boy effeminate weakling would be hit by a <em>girl<\/em>! (Plus, you know, diamond ring, because men buy women expensive things, women marry men and provide sex. That\u2019s the value proposition.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And that\u2019s some bullshit right there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I propose a simple, yet radical, idea: <strong>women are people<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Can people abuse? Then women can abuse. Can people bully? Then women can bully. Can people become violent when they\u2019re angry? Then women can become violent when they\u2019re angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/angrywoman.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"684\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/angrywoman-1024x684.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3486\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/angrywoman-1024x684.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/angrywoman-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/angrywoman-768x513.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/angrywoman-1536x1026.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/angrywoman-2048x1368.jpg 2048w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/angrywoman-360x240.jpg 360w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>A person experiencing a normal emotion experienced by people (image: <a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/@julienlphoto\">Julien L<\/a>)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And the thing is, most folks will nod their heads in agreement when you say this, but then they&#8217;ll continue merrily on as if it\u2019s not true, except perhaps in some abstract sense. Different people will do this in different ways\u2014a conservative, for example, might laugh off the idea that any <em>real<\/em> man might let a mere <em>woman<\/em> abuse him, whereas the liberal will say that sure, it can happen, but it\u2019s so impossibly rare that we can safely act as if it doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I went to a bar in downtown Portland a couple weeks ago weekend with a couple of new friends, a husband and wife I met on social media. We got to talking about how they\u2019d met, and he said he\u2019d left his previous relationship after his former girlfriend hit him. He talked about losing his social circle, and about the way people reacted\u2014some accusing him of lying, some asking what he\u2019d done to make her hit him, some wondering how a <em>girl<\/em> could possibly any threat to a <em>man.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">All of that, every bit of it, matches the things I\u2019ve seen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yes, Victoria, there are women who abuse\u2014and probably more of them than are documented in the literature or police complaints. It exists wherever insecurity meets the desire for control, and we know that they abound and give life its greatest turmoil and despair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But other than some grudging acknowledgment that yeah, sure, I suppose this might happen occasionally in some abstract sense, it\u2019s really effin\u2019 hard to get anyone, liberal or conservative, to take it seriously. Conservatives tend to sneer that any true manly man can ever seriously be threatened by a mere <em>girl<\/em>, and liberals, by and large, are so accustomed to framing the world along the axis of oppressor and oppressed that they struggle to see abusive dynamics that go against that narrative as anything more than vanishingly rare edge cases.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And honestly, I think women who abuse are <em>far<\/em> more common than most people think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Part of the problem is that we often fail to recognize abuse when it\u2019s women on the administering end and men on the receiving end, a cultural blind spot with very deep roots.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Like, you know, news headlines that talk about a female teacher who \u201cseduces\u201d an underage male student, rather than using the correct word, \u201crapes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/teacher-romps.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"750\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/teacher-romps-1024x750.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3489\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/teacher-romps-1024x750.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/teacher-romps-300x220.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/teacher-romps-768x563.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/teacher-romps.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>\u201cRomps.\u201d Can you imagine a newspaper headline describing a man\u2019s \u201cromps\u201d with underage girls? At least it\u2019s <\/em>an<em> R-word, I suppose, if not the right one&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There are a lot of reasons we don\u2019t often recognize women who abuse even in situations where, if we told the same story with the sexes reversed, all of us would be like \u201cwow, that\u2019s super-abusive!\u201d It\u2019s outside the scope of this essay, but a few of them are deeply-held cultural narratives, expectations about what abusers and abuse victims look like, and simple old-fashioned laziness. Nobody has time to investigate every accusation, especially between people they don&#8217;t know personally, so it&#8217;s just plain easier to go with the conventional narrative. Tropes, like racism, exist because they&#8217;re tremendous intellectual labor-saving devices.<sup data-fn=\"7be0574f-c7c6-48b1-9d4c-eee7db7224af\" class=\"fn\"><a id=\"7be0574f-c7c6-48b1-9d4c-eee7db7224af-link\" href=\"#7be0574f-c7c6-48b1-9d4c-eee7db7224af\">2<\/a><\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As I\u2019ve worked with my therapist over the last several years, I can now look back and see a lot of things in my previous relationships I once dismissed as \u201cwell, that\u2019s kinda fucked up, I suppose, but I guess that\u2019s just who she is, everyone has quirks\u201d were, in fact, abuse. I simply didn\u2019t recognize them at the time\u2014even though I absolutely would have in a situation where the same thing happened with the sexes reversed\u2014because I had an idea of what \u201can abuser\u201d looks like that didn\u2019t include women, and what \u201can abuse survivor\u201d looks like that didn\u2019t include me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Women can hit. Women can manipulate. Women can yell and break things, can punch and throw things, and we should never accept any of this simply because men are stronger so they\u2019re not as likely to be seriously injured or killed. \u201cHa ha she punched him in the face because he didn\u2019t buy her a diamond ring\u201d is not okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Women are people. People sometimes abuse. Women sometimes abuse. Perhaps it\u2019s time to take that seriously.<\/p>\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-footnotes\"><li id=\"95478064-6f89-4e7f-84c3-b264bb1d5bdf\">If Elon Musk deadnames his own daughter, I will deadname his social media site. <a href=\"#95478064-6f89-4e7f-84c3-b264bb1d5bdf-link\" aria-label=\"Jump to footnote reference 1\">\u21a9\ufe0e<\/a><\/li><li id=\"7be0574f-c7c6-48b1-9d4c-eee7db7224af\">And let me just say as an aside that if you adhere to a system of social or transformative justice that has no fact-finding component, you\u2019re not actually interested in justice. <a href=\"#7be0574f-c7c6-48b1-9d4c-eee7db7224af-link\" aria-label=\"Jump to footnote reference 2\">\u21a9\ufe0e<\/a><\/li><\/ol>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the\u00a0Can Women be Abusers? page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks! \u201cReality is so flexible these days, it\u2019s hard to tell who\u2019s disconnectedfrom it and who isn\u2019t. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"[{\"content\":\"If Elon Musk deadnames his own daughter, I will deadname his social media site.\",\"id\":\"95478064-6f89-4e7f-84c3-b264bb1d5bdf\"},{\"content\":\"And let me just say as an aside that if you adhere to a system of social or transformative justice that has no fact-finding component, you\u2019re not actually interested in justice.\",\"id\":\"7be0574f-c7c6-48b1-9d4c-eee7db7224af\"}]","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[31],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ethics-2"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Spotlight on Can Women be Abusers? - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/07\/spotlight-on-can-women-be-abusers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Spotlight on Can Women be Abusers? - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the\u00a0Can Women be Abusers? page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks! \u201cReality is so flexible these days, it\u2019s hard to tell who\u2019s disconnectedfrom it and who isn\u2019t. 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- More Than Two\u2122","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/07\/spotlight-on-can-women-be-abusers","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Spotlight on Can Women be Abusers? - More Than Two\u2122","og_description":"This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the\u00a0Can Women be Abusers? page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks! \u201cReality is so flexible these days, it\u2019s hard to tell who\u2019s disconnectedfrom it and who isn\u2019t. 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