{"id":3469,"date":"2024-06-10T11:46:29","date_gmt":"2024-06-10T18:46:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3469"},"modified":"2024-07-11T15:45:12","modified_gmt":"2024-07-11T22:45:12","slug":"spotlight-on-women-as-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/06\/spotlight-on-women-as-people","title":{"rendered":"Spotlight on women as people"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0<\/em>More Than Two site<\/em><\/a>. This essay spotlights the\u00a0Women as People page<\/a>. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Image: Yay Images<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The new More Than Two site adds entire new wings to the information and resources for polyamorous people, but the existing sections got some love, too. I gave the Principles for Good Relationships section of the site a pretty thorough overhaul, including a new Treating Women as People page.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve said \u201ctreat women as people\u201d a lot, but what does that really mean?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most folks know how to treat people as individuals, as long as it\u2019s on any axis other than sex or race. If someone asked you \u201cwhat do right-handed people want in a boyfriend?\u201d or \u201cwhat do people with blue eyes think of anal sex?\u201d, you\u2019d probably think he was a bit daft. We all (I hope) know<\/em> that right-handed people aren\u2019t a monolithic group, with the same taste in boyfriends (spoiler, plenty of right-handers won\u2019t date men!), so the question itself seems bonkers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yet, somehow…somehow many folks forget this when it comes to women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What do women want in a relationship? Well, the white lesbian Silicon Valley startup CEO probably wants something quite different from the Black Southern Baptist in rural Arkansas, now that you mention it. And they both want something different from that other<\/em> lesbian Silicon Valley startup CEO. Because\u2014surprise!\u2014tastes, desires, and dealbreakers are all individual.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Crouching Bigot, Hidden Sexist<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The world is filled to overflowing with people desperate to understand \u201cwhat women want\u201d or \u201cwhat men want.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Do Women Dream of Electric Sheep? I found these questions in less than ten seconds on Quora.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The people who ask these questions probably don\u2019t think of themselves as sexist. The popular mentality of the sexist is the lone incel raving about how much he hates women. But all these questions try to understand women, not as people, but only in terms of their membership in a group…which is the living, breathing heart of sexism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a pattern I\u2019ve seen play out time after time: A man wants to understand what women want. He hears something that sounds plausible to him: \u201cwomen like mystery\u201d or \u201cwomen like adventure\u201d or \u201cwomen like safety.\u201d So he tries to be that thing. And a woman tells him, \u201cI don\u2019t like that, I like this other thing instead.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So he tries to be that other thing. And a different woman says \u201cI don\u2019t like that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So he throws up his hands and says \u201cwomen are so confusing! Even they don\u2019t know what they want!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, my dude. Women are people. Different people like different things. If you stop trying to figure out what \u201cwomen like\u201d and instead focus on finding the specific women who like what you have to offer, maybe the world might be a different place for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But here\u2019s the thing: All these guys, looking to unlock the secret of what women want, who women are…they don\u2019t recognize their own sexism because they\u2019re actually looking for the answer to a completely different question: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am I Acceptable?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Image: Ermolaev Alexandr<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The men who ask \u201cWhat do women think of men who wear women\u2019s clothes?\u201d are actually asking a different question, one they\u2019re too frightened to ask directly: \u201cI like to wear women\u2019s clothes. Does this make me unacceptable in the eyes of women? Will I be forever alone if any woman finds out?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In other words, it\u2019s a sexist question driven by fear and shame, not sexism. Almost all these sorts of questions can be turned around this way, and when you do, you see they\u2019re actually a cry for acceptance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thing is, we live in a society where insecurity, fear of rejection, internalized shame, and fear of exclusion are all commodities, commodities that represent lucrative revenue streams. Seeing the world in terms of individuals? Looking for the individual women who want what you\u2019re offering, instead of trying to fit yourself into what you imagine women like? Where\u2019s the next-quarter revenue potential in that<\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDiamonds are a girl\u2019s best friend\u201d is probably one of the best marketing slogans ever created. It allowed a cartel that dominated trade in a common semi-precious stone to catapult itself into controlling the defining aspect<\/em> of a marriage proposal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That only works if people believe it\u2014if you can persuade people that there\u2019s a thing that women want, or a thing that you must do to be acceptable to women, and you are the source of that thing. Do that, and the potential profits are off the charts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s more going on than just that, of course, but it illustrates why we, as a society, aren\u2019t better at communicating \u201cthere\u2019s no such thing as What Women Want, and you\u2019ll be far happier if you find the tribe of people like you than you will be if you try to force yourself to fit a shape that isn\u2019t right for you.\u201d There\u2019s money\u2014lots of it\u2014in teaching the opposite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s the solution? Fuck if I know. But I do know that when you approach every new person you meet as a blank slate, without trying to figure out what they want or what motivates them or whatever simply because of the group they belong to, life gets a whole lot easier, and a whole lot less confusing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try it. What do you have to lose?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the\u00a0Women as People page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks! Image: Yay Images The new More Than Two site adds entire new wings to the information and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[66,4,3,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3469","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-how-to","category-jealousy-insecurity","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nSpotlight on women as people - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/06\/spotlight-on-women-as-people\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Spotlight on women as people - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. 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