{"id":3462,"date":"2024-06-04T12:58:47","date_gmt":"2024-06-04T19:58:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3462"},"modified":"2024-06-04T12:58:51","modified_gmt":"2024-06-04T19:58:51","slug":"spotlight-on-fairness-in-polyamory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/06\/spotlight-on-fairness-in-polyamory","title":{"rendered":"Spotlight on \u201cfairness\u201d in polyamory"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0<\/em>More Than Two site<\/em><\/a>. This essay spotlights the Polyamory and Fairness page<\/a>. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Image: <\/em>karpik-hoi<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not fair!\u201d\u00a0We all have an inner five-year-old that stamps its feet when we don\u2019t get our way, or we see someone getting something we think we should have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This can happen a lot<\/em> in relationships, and polyamorous relationships offer a ton of opportunities for people to feel uthings are unfair…especially when one person finds it easier to attract new lovers than another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The idea of \u201cfairness\u201d is part of our wiring. Part of most social mammalian wiring, really. Dogs have a concept of fairness\u2014if you train a dog to do a trick to get a reward, then show it another dog getting the same reward for nothing, the first dog may refuse to do that trick any more. Why should I work for it when that other dog gets it for free?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That can and often does come up in polyamorous relationships. I\u2019ve actually seen situations where one person told their wife, \u201cit\u2019s easier for women to find new lovers than for men, so I don\u2019t want you to start any new relationships until after I do, to make it fair.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, seriously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fairness absolutely does not mean \u201cyou must make yourself smaller or limit your opportunities because I feel less capable than you.\u201d If you find yourself struggling in some aspect of your relationship, whether that\u2019s attracting new lovers or whatever it might be, that\u2019s not your lover\u2019s fault.<\/em> Asking another person to make their life smaller so that it matches your own is not fair. Fairness is not symmetry. <\/em>Fairness, properly applied, is rooted in compassion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there\u2019s one part of the essay I\u2019d like to zoom in on and look at up close, because I\u2019ve seen this happen in relationships around me several times and I think it\u2019s toxic: support doesn\u2019t entitle you to control.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What does that mean?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It means that you aren\u2019t entitled to an inside track on someone else\u2019s life just because you helped them out with something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Image: Nicole Taionescu<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This mindset looks like \u201cI did something for you, now it\u2019s only fair you do something for me,\u201d often in the form of \u201cI supported you when you were down, now you should give me the kind of relationship I want with you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not strictly a polyamory thing, of course. This is the beating heart of Nice Guy Syndrome\u2122: I did nice things for you, now it\u2019s only fair that you give me what I want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are two parts to this approach to \u201cfairness:\u201d 1. It\u2019s transactional, and 2. It\u2019s about control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s transactional means \u201cin my view of fairness, every exchange is tit for tat. When I am supportive of you, I expect something in return. If I show you kindness, it\u2019s not because kindness, decency, and compassion are fundamental to the way we should all treat each other in mutual acknowledgement that we\u2019re all on a bumpy journey through life and nobody really knows what they\u2019re doing. It\u2019s because I am offering you something in expectation that you will give me something back for my efforts.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s about control means I expect to have something over you. You have incurred an obligation to me, which I, in all fairness, can call in when I choose, and I expect you to do as I say. We didn’t negotiate this beforehand, but that doesn’t matter. The debt you have incurred to me gives me power over you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How does this play out?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve seen it happen in poly relationships where person A (Alice for example) comes to person B (let\u2019s call him Bob) for support dealing with something\u2014a breakup, say, an illness, whatever. Bob, being a person who has good will toward Alice, offers Alice emotional or practical support, then when Alice is in a better place, Alice declines Bob\u2019s romantic attractions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Bob says, \u201cthat\u2019s not fair!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which is absolutely not true, and totally misunderstands what fairness is. If something you offer is transactional, it\u2019s on you to make that explicit up front.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Now, I\u2019m not saying you should never worry about fairness. Sometimes, our inner \u201cthat\u2019s not fair!\u201d voice warns us when something is genuinely wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The place you want to pay attention to that voice is any time there\u2019s a power imbalance in your relationship that you did not explicitly, specifically agree to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, \u201cI am allowed to have other lovers and you are not.\u201d That\u2019s some people\u2019s taste in BDSM power exchange relationships, and that\u2019s totally cool. If you fancy a cuckolding or chastity-control relationship because it gets you hot, hey, fill yer boots! Never let it be said that I got in the way of your (mutually negotiated and agreed-upon) tastes with other consenting adults.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when your inner \u201cit\u2019s not fair!\u201d pops up around power imbalances you didn\u2019t explicitly negotiate as part of a mutual power exchange relationship, it might be alerting you to something you ought to pay attention to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI get control over your other relationships that you don\u2019t get over mine.\u201d \u201cI get to tell you what you do with your body, or how you have sex with your other lovers.\u201d \u201cI get control over when, where, and how you spend time with your other lovers, but I absolutely reject any influence you have over how I spend time with mine.\u201d If you find yourself responding to that sort of thing with \u201cit\u2019s not fair!\u201d, you\u2019re right, it\u2019s not. Something is wrong, and if the relationship is built on this kind of control, it may be abusive<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I\u2019m not saying you should automatically dismiss that voice out of hand, but rather that, in most cases, \u201cit\u2019s not fair!\u201d is not necessarily the best way to approach your relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. This essay spotlights the Polyamory and Fairness page. Look for more spotlights in the coming days and weeks! Image: karpik-hoi \u201cIt\u2019s not fair!\u201d\u00a0We all have an inner five-year-old that stamps its feet when we […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[31,4,3,32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ethics-2","category-how-to","category-jealousy-insecurity","category-polyamory-2"],"yoast_head":"\nSpotlight on \u201cfairness\u201d in polyamory - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/06\/spotlight-on-fairness-in-polyamory\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Spotlight on \u201cfairness\u201d in polyamory - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This blog post is part of a series on the new, vastly expanded\u00a0More Than Two site. 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