{"id":3421,"date":"2024-05-27T13:54:27","date_gmt":"2024-05-27T20:54:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3421"},"modified":"2024-05-27T13:54:31","modified_gmt":"2024-05-27T20:54:31","slug":"stalking-harassment-and-the-north-american-polyamory-scene","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/05\/stalking-harassment-and-the-north-american-polyamory-scene","title":{"rendered":"Stalking, harassment, and the North American polyamory scene"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Trigger warning: Stalking, graphic death and rape threats, doxxing, threats of swatting, impersonation<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been putting off writing this for a while now, because it involves dredging deep into some incredibly ugly stuff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most of you know that I\u2019ve been stalked for years by a stalker (or stalkers) who has created fake social media profiles in my name to harass other people, and sent explicit, violent rape and death threats to me, my family, my friends, and those who follow me on social media.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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This person, or these people, have made repeated rape and death threats directed at me, my wife, my father, and people who have expressed support for me or been rumored to be connected somehow with me online. They\u2019ve sent death threats containing photographs of my partners. They\u2019ve doxxed my family and partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The harassment has escalated over the past three years, as the rape and death threats have become more frequent, more violent, and more graphic. The stalker has escalated to threats of swatting<\/a> (phoning fake tips to the police to have SWAT teams sent to the homes of the target). My websites have been DDoSed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Last December, as I was leaving for Florida to help care for my mom, who was in the final stages of terminal cancer, I had an unexpected and rather uncomfortable conversation with Portland PD<\/a> about an email I\u2019d supposedly sent them saying I was stockpiling guns and the voices were telling me to murder my wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fortunately, I have been documenting and reporting the stalking, rape and death threats, and harassment as it\u2019s happened. The nature of the conversation changed once they pulled up the previous police reports and realized this was part of an ongoing pattern of harassment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So how did we get here? And what does this have to do with polyamory?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Propaganda and the Poly Scene<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So how did we get here? And what does this have to do with polyamory?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My first inkling something weird was going on came when a number of different people, some of whom I hadn\u2019t spoken to in years, all messaged me to say \u201cDo you know someone named Louisa Leontiades? She says she\u2019s a journalist and she\u2019s asking questions about you.\u201d A few of those people sent me screenshots of messages or emails they\u2019d received:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Louisa is a client of a former partner. After the relationship with that former partner ended, Louisa started messaging pretty much every female-presenting person who\u2019d ever interacted with me online, going back through this very blog for decades, looking for women willing to dish dirt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next thing I know, somehow there are more \u201cexes\u201d that are accusing me of having \u201cabused\u201d them than the total number of people I\u2019ve ever dated. Few forms of gaslighting are more head-twisty than someone you\u2019ve never dated, never talked about dating, never wanted to date, never had sex with, never talked about having sex with, and never wanted to have sex with telling all and sundry about how you abused her when you were \u201ctogether.\u201d For a while, I quite literally thought I was going insane.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These \u201csurvivor stories,\u201d as Louisa calls them, tended to the bizarre (like the woman who I\u2019ve never been sexually or romantically connected with and never been in the same room with except in passing at a party claiming I abused her by flirting with someone else in front of her), toward the utterly untrue (a former partner claiming I \u201cgot her into\u201d BDSM and that a 25-year-old is \u201ctoo young to consent\u201d to BDSM, when in fact she was interested in BDSM long before we ever met<\/a>, and the fact her ex-husband wasn\u2019t interested in BDSM was one of the reasons she divorced him), and the technically kind of true if you squint hard enough (my ex-wife claiming she was an \u201cabuse victim\u201d because I yelled at her on the phone once\u2014which did happen\u2014but declining to mention that it happened after we\u2019d separated, when she broke into my house one night while I was out of town, stole a bunch of stuff like consumer electronics, then sold it to buy a new laptop).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a side note, there\u2019s a lesson here in how to spot the difference between journalism and a smear campaign. If a journalist hears \u201che yelled at me once on the phone,\u201d he or she will ask followup questions: \u201cDid this sort of thing happen often? What happened?\u201d Ethical journalists also disclose personal or financial connections with the stories they cover.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My goal is not to go through all the rather strange \u201csurvivor stories\u201d here. I may end up doing that at some future point, but that\u2019s not the point of this blog post.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Right now, I\u2019m here about the aftermath of these weird, wordy-but-vague accusations, what it says about the way many people see \u201csocial justice\u201d as a tool of bullying and control, and how the poly scene\u2019s support for \u201csocial justice\u201d led directly to a barrage of rape and death threats against a whole bunch of other people beyond just me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Louisa published these \u201csurvivor stories\u201d from exes and non-exes with results you might predict: the Internet Hate Machine\u2122 cranked up into full gear, I had to lock down comments on my blog because random strangers started posting death threats, I lost friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With all the various contradictory stories (\u201cFranklin dated someone ten years younger than he was, he\u2019s obviously an abuser,\u201d \u201cFranklin refused to date me because I\u2019m younger than he is, he\u2019s obviously ageist\u201d), they became a sort of Rorschach test, with different people seeing different things in them. It\u2019s kind of a Gish gallop<\/a> of accusations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One dude on social media wrote that I was clearly a bad person, because it was plain to him that I\u2019d written the stories myself as a sort of humblebragging, since the theme to a lot of them is \u201cI knew when I dated Franklin that he was polyamorous but he\u2019s so awesome I wanted him all to myself and he said no.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seriously. Someone over on Quora actually said that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist and author who serves as an expert witness in court for abuse cases, published an analysis of the \u201csurvivor stories\u201d that concluded the stories don\u2019t actually describe abuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The poly community as a whole thought about her analysis, set aside their first knee-jerk emotional response, said \u201chuh, I wonder if there\u2019s a reason she might have reached those conclusions,\u201d went back, and re-evaluated the survivor tales with a more considered eye\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hahahahaha, I\u2019m kidding, that didn\u2019t happen. Instead, the Internet piled on to Dr. Sheff. She was threatened personally and professionally, and received so much harassment and abuse she was forced to back away from the whole situation. You know, classic straight-up bullying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it wasn\u2019t just threats. A lot of folks sent her emails that they probably wouldn\u2019t think of as problematic\u2014messages like \u201cdon\u2019t you realize you\u2019re just hurting women who have been abused?\u201d and \u201cI’m so disgusted that an academic would support an abuser\u201d and \u201cI used to be such a fan of yours, but this has really made me rethink that,\u201d because they couldn\u2019t even consider the possibility that she might, you know, be right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After that, things got even weirder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI want a just, fair, and equitable society, and I don\u2019t care how many rape threats it takes to get there.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n

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Now let\u2019s fast forward a bit, to a nonprofit polyamory convention run by a registered nonprofit in London, called \u201cPolyDay.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

COVID interrupted the convention for a couple of years. During the COVID lockdown, a team not previously involved with PolyDay announced they would be taking over the PolyDay name and launching a new for-profit convention under that name.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The organization that owns the PolyDay convention informed these people firmly that it owns a trademark on the name, and they would not be permitted to use it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lockdown ends. The organizers of PolyDay announce the convention was on once more. I don\u2019t know if the person who tried to steal the name started the rumor or merely amplified it, but anyway, someone starts a rumor that I own PolyDay, or run it, or somehow profit from it, depending on which version you believe. (For the record, I have absolutely nothing to do with it\u2014I live in Portland, and it is owned and operated by a nonprofit in London.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As the rumor spread through the North American polyamory scene, people said \u201cHey, we can look up the history and organization of PolyDay and figure out if this rumor is true.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hahahahaha, I\u2019m kidding, that didn\u2019t happen. Instead, a large number of people determined to make a more just and equitable society and stand up for women raced to their keyboards to send a flood of rape and death threats to the scheduled speakers at PolyDay. So many threats of serious violence poured in, the conference organizers canceled the event<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Apparently, threats of rape and murder are how some people think we create a more peaceful, more enlightened Utopia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Image: <\/em>Crawford Jolly<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it just kept going<\/em>. Once this kind of harassment and bullying gets going, it takes on a life of its own. A former BBC and Guardian journalist named Jonathan Kent published a book on polyamory. Someone started a rumor that I profit from the book somehow, or (depending on which version you believe) that I secretly wrote it under his name, or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By now, I\u2019m sure you can predict what happened next:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People looked up Jonathan online and realized he\u2019s actually a person, a reporter with a long documented history, and not an alter ego for me? Hahaha no. Of course not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People harassed him, called for a boycott of his (I mean \u201cmy\u201d) book, threatened and harassed his podcasting co-host…because in this brave new world of empathy, compassion, and social justice, that\u2019s what you do. You harass and intimidate anyone you don\u2019t like, or anyone associated with anyone you don\u2019t like, or anyone rumored to be connected to anyone you don\u2019t like, so that one glorious day, if you harass and threaten enough people, you\u2019ll wake to a world of perfect social justice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, of course, the rape and death threats aimed at me and those close to me kept rolling in. My co-author Eunice and I released a science fiction novel; a bookstore that planned to host a book event got harassed into dropping the event. Some random stranger I\u2019ve never met made a YouTube video about what a terrible person I am, repeating the \u201csurvivor stories,\u201d insisted she wasn\u2019t making the video for money, then used it to beg for Patreon donations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So it goes.<\/p>\n\n\n

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And is still going. People are still following me around on social media, doxxing and threatening my partners, friends, and folks who follow me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just like with the \u201csurvivor stories\u201d themselves, the stalking and threats have become a Rorschach test of their own. A random woman on Facebook told me, with what seemed like perfect sincerity, I must be making it all up, because men never get stalked, only women have stalkers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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So here\u2019s the thing: The North American polyamory community has a problem.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want to be clear this is not a problem everywhere. Poly folks elsewhere largely seem to roll their eyes at all this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the poly scene in North America is overrun with folks who are okay with using rape and death threats as a way to express themselves, who don\u2019t do even the barest minimum of fact-checking, who are so caught up in righteous fury that sending women anonymous messages saying \u201cI am going to rape you to death, here\u2019s a photo of your house\u201d seems like a perfectly reasonable way to support social justice for women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, if this is you, if you\u2019re one of the people who sat down at your computer to type out threats to Dr. Sheff or to the people scheduled to speak at a conference because you heard a rumor that it was somehow connected to me and couldn\u2019t be arsed to fact-check, this essay is not for you. You are irredeemable and I don\u2019t care what you think of me. I don\u2019t quite understand the mentality of someone who says \u201cI\u2019m going to stand up for women and justice by sending a bunch of people I\u2019ve never met anonymous emails saying I\u2019m going to murder them if they present at this conference,\u201d and honestly I don\u2019t want to. If this is you, fuck off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If this isn\u2019t you, and you\u2019re on the sidelines saying things like \u201cI don\u2019t know what the hell is going on but I don\u2019t want to get involved,\u201d well, I get it, I really do. I\u2019ve been there myself. I\u2019ve unquestioningly accepted stories because they fit a narrative I believed in, and discovered later that the things I\u2019d been told didn\u2019t actually happen, at least not the way they were presented to me. (I may write about that at some point as well.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I\u2019m not saying the fact that a bunch of bullies and Internet trolls have taken it on themselves to send rape and death threats all over the Internet because, you know, that\u2019s how you support women and fight for social justice automatically proves that what I\u2019m saying is true and what they\u2019re saying is false. Only that mmmmaybe it might be worthwhile to look a little closer, you know? After all, if people are wrong about basic things that can easily be checked, like who runs a nonprofit conference or who wrote a book, perhaps it might possibly be worth considering whether or not they\u2019re trustworthy about things you can\u2019t <\/em>easily verify.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moving the Overton window<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d like to believe this is a fairly new thing\u2014that twenty years ago, communities dedicated to egalitarianism and self-determination wouldn\u2019t so quickly embrace this kind of toxic behavior. That\u2019s probably wrong\u2014the same thing was common in the 1970s feminist circles<\/a>\u2014but I do believe that events like GamerGate brought a new level of toxicity into acceptability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a friend of mine put it, \u201cnever accept unacceptable behavior, or you make it acceptable<\/a>.\u201d If you believe bullying and threats are okay as long as they\u2019re directed at people you\u2019ve been told are bad, you make bullying and threats okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you don’t believe bullying and threats are okay, but you really don\u2019t want to (or don\u2019t care enough to!) get involved in other people\u2019s drama (or you really don’t care enough to get involved), so you stay out of it, or you “don’t take sides”, or you choose a default rubric like \u201cbelieve all women\u201d because investigation is too much effort, well, that’s kind of how we ended up here, in a world where harass and threaten in the name of social justice, because they feel safe in their communities who appear to support them, or at least don’t oppose them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just a thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brandolini\u2019s Law, or the Bullshit Asymmetry Principle, tells us it takes longer to refute bullshit than it does to put it out there, and if there isn\u2019t a corollary that tells us this is especially true when people have been told that it\u2019s morally wrong to question the bullshit, there ought to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Few subcommunities have figured out how to deal with vague claims of mistreatment that kinda follow common narratives, and anyway few people really have the inclination to try to sort through it all. It\u2019s easier to just assume that where there\u2019s stuff that kinda looks like smoke, there must be fire, and accept a generalized \u201cso-and-so is a bad person even if I\u2019m not exactly clear on what he or she did.\u201d Kinda the way people who still say the 2020 election was stolen say \u201cthere are thousands of affadavits about election fraud, it must be true.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Image: <\/em>Blacksalmon<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, hell, I\u2019ve done this myself. When you want to do right by the people around you, and you know enough about social justice to understand the uphill struggle people have faced for years getting anyone to take abuse they\u2019ve faced seriously, you default to believing whatever you\u2019re told by anyone who presents as an abuse survivor\u2014a noble inclination, but one that is also easy to exploit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Abuse is about power and control.<\/strong> When the poly scene went after Dr. Sheff, everyone else got the message loud and clear: Do as we say, or you\u2019re next. Believe what we tell you to believe, or you\u2019re next. Don\u2019t ask questions. Keep your head down. Hate who we tell you to hate, or you\u2019re next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So perhaps this might be a good guideline: When you see people facing off against each other, with both sides claiming they\u2019ve been mistreated, it might be helpful to ask yourself, \u201cwhich of these two sides is sending rape and death threats, punishing anyone who steps out of line, and controlling the narrative through intimidation and threats of violence?\u201d Because it\u2019s hard to champion social justice and also think those things are okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know the people sending the rape and death threats are a small minority, whose noise and zealotry make this seem more common than it is. That\u2019s the thing, though: if you want your community to be a good space, sometimes you need to stand up to the bullies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s okay to ask questions and look for more information. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Note: Any comments containing abuse apologism, denialism, threats, rationalization, whataboutism, sealioning, or victim-blaming will be deleted.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Trigger warning: Stalking, graphic death and rape threats, doxxing, threats of swatting, impersonation I\u2019ve been putting off writing this for a while now, because it involves dredging deep into some incredibly ugly stuff. 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