{"id":3414,"date":"2024-03-27T14:07:23","date_gmt":"2024-03-27T21:07:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3414"},"modified":"2024-03-27T14:07:25","modified_gmt":"2024-03-27T21:07:25","slug":"some-thoughts-on-being-self-entertaining","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/03\/some-thoughts-on-being-self-entertaining","title":{"rendered":"Some thoughts on being self-entertaining"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Last time I visited my Talespinner, she said something really interesting, something that has stuck with me. I\u2019d never heard it framed that way before, but the minute she said it, it clicked: not only what I am, but what all my lovers in all my best relationships have been.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/kitty-tophat.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"920\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/kitty-tophat-920x1024.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3415\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/kitty-tophat-920x1024.jpg 920w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/kitty-tophat-270x300.jpg 270w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/kitty-tophat-768x854.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/kitty-tophat.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 920px) 100vw, 920px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Kitty, wearing the very top hat that you\u2019ll see on the cover of the re-release of my novel Black Iron, due out June 2024.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We are in a long-distance relationship. I occasionally fly out to see her, something that\u2019s complicated by her unusual work schedule. She\u2019s basically gone two days out of the week\u2014she works full-time in two 20-hour shifts. On the occasions when I visit her, there are a couple days of each week where she\u2019s just not there at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>On one of those visits, she told me, \u201cI don\u2019t worry when I go to work, because you\u2019re self-entertaining.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There are a lot of other ways to frame the same: self-reliant, self-sufficient, complete in yourself, whatever. But what I like about \u201cself-entertaining\u201d is there\u2019s a nuance, a sort of subtext that missing from words like self-reliant or self-sufficient: You can be self-sufficient in the sense that you can care for yourself and look after yourself when you\u2019re alone, but what I like about \u201cself-entertaining\u201d is the connotation you can be\u00a0<em>happy<\/em>\u00a0by yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>See, I\u2019m an extrovert. I like being around people. Being around people energizes me. But I\u2019m self-entertaining in the sense that I\u2019m not reliant on other people for my happiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And a big part of that is there\u2019s always, always something I want to do, something I want to learn, some project I\u2019m working on, and something new I\u2019m teaching myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Okay, that\u2019s not actually correct. There are always&nbsp;<em>dozens<\/em>&nbsp;of things I want to do,&nbsp;<em>dozens<\/em>&nbsp;of things I\u2019m working on,&nbsp;<em>dozens&nbsp;<\/em>of things I\u2019m learning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As I write this, I have four novels and a collection of short stories I\u2019m actively writing (one of those novels and the short story collection I\u2019m writing with the lover I\u2019m talking about here!), with one more about to go to the printer this week. I\u2019ve got two nonfiction books and one fiction book I\u2019m reading, a bunch of fun projects I\u2019m experimenting with on my laser engraver, a couple of projects I\u2019m working on with my CNC engraver, a new prototype sex toy I\u2019m getting set to cast, a podcast, an art project I\u2019m working on\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I like people. I like being around people. I like creating with people. But my days do not stretch out in emptiness if I\u2019m alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And that is, I think, a big part of the key to happiness in any relationship, but especially in a relationship where you can&#8217;t reasonably be expected to be the center of your partner\u2019s world all the time. (Which ought, I think, to be pretty much any relationship at all.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Suffering when you\u2019re alone<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/hands-heart.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"738\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/hands-heart-1024x738.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3416\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/hands-heart-1024x738.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/hands-heart-300x216.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/hands-heart-768x554.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/hands-heart.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Image: <a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/@saiph\">Saiph Muhammad<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019ve had partners\u2014several of them\u2014who say they suffer when they\u2019re apart from a lover. I\u2019ve even had a partner tell me, \u201cI suffer when we\u2019re apart, and I wish you would suffer too.\u201d Which is, I have to say, a bit&#8230;odd. And creepy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I don\u2019t find this romantic, like, at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A good relationship enriches, I think, the lives of the people involved without codependency. A fully realized human being is capable of being happy alone. Only when you are good company for yourself can you truly be good company for others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>How do you get there?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What works for me is to approach life with boundless curiosity and endless enthusiasm to make and do new things. Set a project and work on it. Always have something new to learn, do, see, explore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And yes, I recognize that to some extent, it requires resources to be able to do that. It\u2019s harder if you\u2019re scrabbling for survival. I don\u2019t make a good living\u2014I earn on average less than a fast food worker in Oregon\u2014but at the same time, I also live a life a lot of people would consider bone-crushingly frugal. I don\u2019t own a car, for example, an idea that a lot of Americans find quite flabbergasting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I like people, but I don\u2019t look to people to provide my happiness. I don\u2019t look to things to provide my happiness. I am self-entertaining; I find incredible joy in making new things and learning new things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Does that work for everyone? I don\u2019t know. It\u2019s possible I have privileged brain chemistry. I\u2019ve only ever had the experience of being me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But in my experience, all the most vibrant, most healthy relationships I\u2019ve ever had have been with people who share that magical quality of being self-entertaining, and whole and complete in themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I could say that the inability to be happy alone is a red flag, but these days I tend to look at green flags, not red flags. What\u2019s the difference? When you\u2019re looking for red flags, you\u2019re starting from a default of being willing to date someone, unless you see a reason not to. When you look for green flags, you start from a default of <em>not<\/em> being willing to date someone unless you see positive reasons why you <em>should<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>After years of doing the former, and often neglecting to notice red flags that should have been obvious (when you see the world through rose-colored glasses, red flags just look like flags), it\u2019s been my more recent experience that looking for green flags is more likely to lead to awesome relationships. And being self-entertaining\u2014the ability to be happy alone\u2014is an enormous green flag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>This essay is an expansion on an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.quora.com\/If-it-happens-that-you-dont-have-any-one-to-make-you-happy-what-can-you-do-to-be-much-happy-alone\/answer\/Franklin-Veaux\">answer I wrote on Quora<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Last time I visited my Talespinner, she said something really interesting, something that has stuck with me. I\u2019d never heard it framed that way before, but the minute she said it, it clicked: not only what I am, but what all my lovers in all my best relationships have been. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3414","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Some thoughts on being self-entertaining - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/03\/some-thoughts-on-being-self-entertaining\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Some thoughts on being self-entertaining - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Last time I visited my Talespinner, she said something really interesting, something that has stuck with me. 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