{"id":3408,"date":"2024-01-24T11:30:15","date_gmt":"2024-01-24T19:30:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3408"},"modified":"2024-01-24T11:33:49","modified_gmt":"2024-01-24T19:33:49","slug":"calling-out-toxic-normalized-behavior","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/01\/calling-out-toxic-normalized-behavior","title":{"rendered":"Calling out toxic normalized behavior"},"content":{"rendered":"\n[Note: I originally wrote this essay as an answer on Quora<\/a>.]\n\n\n\n

We swim, every day, in an environment made up of a toxic stew of unhealthy relationship ideas, many gifted to us from an age when women were literal property, seen as unfit for anything besides baby factories for male heirs. Social attitudes toward relationships teach us us so many, many things that are not only counterproductive, but actively destructive. And many of these toxic ideas serve no function except to make us miserable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Image: Danilo Alvesd<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Much as I\u2019d love to list them all, I doubt there\u2019s space here for that. I mean, where to start? How much time you got?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I were to hit the highlights, they might include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mate-guarding behavior.<\/strong> This takes a lot of forms, but it\u2019s always, always rooted in paralyzing insecurity. The headwaters from which mate-guarding flow look like \u201cI am worthless. I am garbage. As soon as my partner wakes up and figures out what a dungheap of a person I am, they\u2019ll leave. The only way I can keep my partner is to keep them away from anyone who might be better than me, because as soon as someone better comes along I\u2019m history.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So people make up all kinds of incredibly toxic rules, like \u201cyou\u2019re not allowed to have opposite-sex friends\u201d or \u201cyou\u2019re not allowed to talk to your exes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Protip: Controlling another person\u2019s social circle is a defining<\/strong> element of abuse. You might not think of yourself as an abuser when you do this; most abusers don\u2019t. But you are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Protip: You don\u2019t keep your partner by making sure your lover never has a chance to leave. You keep your partner by building an awesome relationship they don\u2019t want<\/em> to leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pretending your partner sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus.<\/strong> Dear God, so<\/em> many people do this, and it just screams \u2018insecurity on parade.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Demanding your partner delete all photos of an ex. Demanding your partner never mention having exes. Being reduced to tears whenever you\u2019re reminded that your partner had a life before you met.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or my personal favorite, \u201cretroactive jealousy,\u201d the incredibly<\/em> poisonous jealousy over relationships that happened before the two of you even knew each other. Retroactive jealousy leads to the completely batshit bonkers idea of \u201cretroactive cheating,\u201d the notion that\u2014and yes, people actually believe this<\/em>\u2014you \u201ccheated\u201d on your current partner by having sex with a previous partner before you met.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hoh-lee shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your partner had a past. Your partner didn\u2019t emerge from a pod the day you met. If you can\u2019t handle that, you aren\u2019t ready for adult relationships yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Protip: Your partner\u2019s past made them the person you love today. They wouldn\u2019t be here with you if not for the course they took through life to reach this point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Warsan Shire has an exquisite poem about this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

every mouth you\u2019ve ever kissed
was just practice
all the bodies you\u2019ve ever undressed
and ploughed into
were preparing you for me.
i don\u2019t mind tasting them in the
memory of your mouth
they were a long hallway
a door half open
a single suitcase still on the conveyor belt
was it a long journey?
did it take you long to find me?
you\u2019re here now,
welcome home.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

This is what a mature, confident attitude looks like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Living in paralyzing fear.<\/strong> I can\u2019t even tell you how many times I\u2019ve seen folks right here on Quora say things like \u201cHow do I subtly bring up sex? I can\u2019t ask directly for what I want, I just can\u2019t. What if he thinks I\u2019m weird? What if she thinks it\u2019s not normal? Am I normal? Is it normal to want this? Is it normal to want that? Am I normal? Normal normal normal normal normal?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This paralyzing fear of asking for what you want, which usually springs from a paralyzing fear of not being \u201cnormal,\u201d wrecks so<\/em> many lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, I absolutely 100% believe that the quickest way to spot someone who\u2019s just really bad at sex is they say \u201cam I normal?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is no such thing as \u201cnormal.\u201d No matter how \u2018weird\u2019 you think you are, I guarantee there are folks you know who do things betwixt the sheets that are undream\u2019d of in your philosophy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you harming others? Are you forcing yourself on others without their consent? No? Then you\u2019re fine. Stop being scared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not choosing compatible partners. <\/strong>People who give relationship advice say some pretty dumb shit. \u201cDon\u2019t talk about sex or politics or religion early in dating. Don\u2019t discuss controversial topics. Keep it safe.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bzzzt. Wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The purpose of a date is not to try to get the other person to like you. The purpose of a date is to find out whether or not you\u2019re compatible. Get alllll the stuff that\u2019s important to you out soon. On the first date at the latest, preferably before the first date.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut what if I scare my date off?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wonderful!<\/em> That\u2019s the idea! That\u2019s the whole point<\/strong>! If your date is scared off by the truth about you, You. Are. Not. Compatible.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So many people, so very many people, end up with someon they\u2019re totally incompatible with, then wake up five or ten or fifteen years later and realize \u201chey, this person I\u2019m sleeping next to doesn\u2019t really know me, and wow, this relationship isn\u2019t giving me what I need.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, duh. You\u2019re with an incompatible person, what did you expect would happen?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be who you are from the very first date, without fear or shame. If that scares the other person off, that\u2019s a feature, not a bug.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trying to <\/strong>make<\/em><\/strong> a suitable partner instead of dating a suitable partner from the beginning.<\/strong> This is a toxic brew of \u201cnot choosing compatible partners\u201d and \u201cliving in paralyzing fear.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ever notice how many Quora relationship questions start with \u201cHow do I get my partner to\u201d? How do I get my partner to be more assertive. How do I get my partner to have a threesome. How do I get my partner to do oral. How do I get my partner to do anal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don\u2019t \u201cget\u201d your partner to do things. You ask. If the answer is no, you accept that no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So how, then, do you have anal or threesomes or whatever it is you want?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don\u2019t date someone who doesn\u2019t want those things and then find a way to get them to do those things. You date someone who wants the same things you want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do you do that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You talk openly about what you like in sex, without fear or shame. You talk about sex on your first date, and you don\u2019t date people who are not sexually compatible with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trying to understand men as a group or women as a group instead of recognizing that people are individuals.<\/strong> This one blows my mind, because we all understand this on a basic level. We all know this\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026as long as the topic is anything<\/em> but sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it comes to sex, it\u2019s like people get, I don\u2019t know, a frontal lobotomy or something. Suddenly everything they know about dealing with human beings goes right out the window.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You never hear people ask \u201cdo women like mustard on their ham sandwiches?\u201d We all know that some women do, some women don\u2019t, and in a plot twist that surprises nobody, some women don\u2019t like ham sandwiches at all. In fact, some women don\u2019t eat meat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You never hear people ask \u201cdo men like blue jeans or black jeans?\u201d We all know that some men prefer blue jeans, some men prefer black jeans, and\u2014surprise!\u2014some men don\u2019t wear jeans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We all know these things. You know them. I know them. Everyone over the age of three knows them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when it comes to sex, suddenly it\u2019s like \u201cDo women like facials? Do men like intelligent women? Do women like pegging? Do men like short women? Do women like men who shave down there? Do men like dominant women?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You already know the answer. Some women do, some women don\u2019t, some women don\u2019t like men at all. Some men do, some men don\u2019t, some men don\u2019t like women at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People who say \u201cwomen are confusing\u201d or \u201cmen are impossible\u201d or \u201cmen are from Mars, women are from Venus\u201d are basically socially illiterate. They say these things because they try to understand men as a group or women as a group. And then whatever they think they\u2019ve figured out, they find an exception, so they throw up their hands and say \u201cit\u2019s so confusing!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like a man who says \u201cwell, I\u2019ve talked to a couple of women, and women don\u2019t like facials.\u201d Then they go on a date with a woman who\u2019s like \u201cI love facials.\u201d And the man thinks that either she\u2019s lying for some inscrutable reason or all those other women were lying to him, so he throws up his hands and says \u201cNo man can ever understand women! Women are so complicated and mysterious!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nah bruh, you don\u2019t get it because you\u2019re expecting every woman to be the same, like a bunch of androids running the same firmware, and your world gets shook when you try to process women as, you know, people.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t worry about what \u201cmen like\u201d or what \u201cwomen like.\u201d If you\u2019re asking that question, you\u2019re probably not ready to be dating yet. Only worry about what the specific individual person you are with<\/em> likes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You already know this. You just have to remember that the same thing that applies to food\u2026also applies to sex. It\u2019s not hard.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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