{"id":3401,"date":"2024-01-15T12:03:56","date_gmt":"2024-01-15T20:03:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3401"},"modified":"2024-01-15T12:04:12","modified_gmt":"2024-01-15T20:04:12","slug":"showing-up-authenticity-matters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/01\/showing-up-authenticity-matters","title":{"rendered":"Showing Up: Authenticity Matters"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Some years ago, I remember going out to dinner with a whole bunch of people I\u2019d \u201cmet\u201d on the Internet\u2014I think on OK Cupid, if I recall correctly, which will tell you how long ago this was. One of my partners at the time, Shelly, accompanied me. She fancied one of the people due to be present&#8230;I don&#8217;t even recall who, though I think I have a photo of that meetup lost somewhere in the deep inner dungeon of my 300-gigabyte Photos archive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>After dinner, Shelly roundly criticized me. \u201cCan\u2019t you tone it down a bit when you meet someone?\u201d she said. \u201cYou know, be a little less Franklin? I was trying to make a good impression!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I think about that from time to time when I meet people. It\u2019s an approach to dating and relationships I really don\u2019t agree with\u2014in fact, I\u2019ll even go so far as to say it\u2019s harmful. I thought about this again when I saw a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.quora.com\/How-many-dates-before-the-awkwardness-is-gone\/answer\/Franklin-Veaux\">question on Quora<\/a> about dating, asking how many dates it takes before one stops feeling awkward. The correct answer, in my opinion, is zero.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-engin-akyurt.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"683\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-engin-akyurt-1024x683.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3402\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-engin-akyurt-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-engin-akyurt-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-engin-akyurt-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-engin-akyurt-360x240.jpg 360w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-engin-akyurt.jpg 1400w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><em>This is a terrible approach to dating. (Image: <a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/@enginakyurt\">engin akyurt<\/a><\/em>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Awkwardness, in my experience, invariably means there\u2019s something unsaid that needs to be said. It\u2019s a warning sign, a danger signal of inauthenticity. Authenticity is, if you want successful relationships, absolutely vital, and authenticity starts right from the beginning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Awkwardness on a date, again in my experience, generally means two things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>You\u2019re trying to be on your best behavior; and<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You\u2019re trying to avoid talking about certain subjects because you don\u2019t want to venture into controversial subjects.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>Both of those things are big, ugly, bad mistakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Yes, I know. Dating advice articles tell you to do both those things. Dating advice articles are shite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Do not try to pretend to be something you aren\u2019t.&nbsp;<\/strong>That only causes grief down the road. Every argument that ends with \u201cit\u2019s like I don\u2019t even know you!\u201d or \u201cyou just don\u2019t see me!\u201d starts with being inauthentic early on.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-anakin.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"512\" height=\"384\" src=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-anakin.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3403\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-anakin.jpg 512w, https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/fake-dating-anakin-300x225.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 512px) 100vw, 512px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><em>\u201cOh, Anakin, I just don\u2019t understand you!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is an&nbsp;<em>extremely&nbsp;<\/em>important idea that I\u2019m frankly surprised a lot of people don\u2019t get. \u201cI have to make a good impression because otherwise I\u2019ll scare my date off!\u201d If you are not bringing your true self to that first date, if you are inauthentic, if you are pretending to be someone you\u2019re not, you\u2019re wasting your time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>The purpose of a first date IS NOT to impress the other person. The purpose of a first date is to see if you\u2019re compatible enough with each other to keep dating.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Do not try to avoid \u201ccontroversial\u201d topics.<\/strong>&nbsp;Again, you\u2019re trying to gauge compatibility. It\u2019s better to find out you have radically different beliefs as soon as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>People publish all kinds of \u201cno go\u201d conversational subjects on dating advice columns all the time. I think that\u2019s dumb.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Things I\u2019ve talked about on a first date:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Religion<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Sex<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Politics<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Ethics<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>History<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Social causes<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Again, and I cannot emphasize this enough: You aren\u2019t there to impress the other person. You\u2019re there to see if the two of you are a good match, before you invest years of your life in a relationship. Be authentic. Talk about things that are important to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you do that,&nbsp;<em>there is no awkwardness.&nbsp;<\/em>It\u2019s a lot easier to be comfortable when you\u2019re not busy pretending to be someone you\u2019re not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It also means you don\u2019t need to keep up the act later. The more authentic you are from the very start, the more true you are to yourself, the less you have to stress about maintaining the fa\u00e7ade. And honestly, who has time for that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s true of life outside of dating, too, by the way. The more you show up as your authentic self, the less awkward you are in general.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now, approaching someone with the goal of making an impression has its place. If you\u2019re trying to land a new job or win a political nomination, authenticity is less valuable than people-pleasing. In your social and romantic life, though, if you try, like Shelly did, to impress others rather than to bring your true self to your social life, well, don\u2019t be surprised when you find yourself in inauthentic relationships. If you\u2019re concerned that bringing your true self to your social interactions might scare people off, then perhaps that points to something within yourself that could benefit from a bit of work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Yes, showing up with your true self rather than showing people what you think they want to see means there might be times you don\u2019t get to shag the person you want to shag. It happens. Take that as a feature, not a bug. Painful experience: shagging people who are not a good fit for you never ends well.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Some years ago, I remember going out to dinner with a whole bunch of people I\u2019d \u201cmet\u201d on the Internet\u2014I think on OK Cupid, if I recall correctly, which will tell you how long ago this was. One of my partners at the time, Shelly, accompanied me. She fancied one [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3401","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Showing Up: Authenticity Matters - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2024\/01\/showing-up-authenticity-matters\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Showing Up: Authenticity Matters - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Some years ago, I remember going out to dinner with a whole bunch of people I\u2019d \u201cmet\u201d on the Internet\u2014I think on OK Cupid, if I recall correctly, which will tell you how long ago this was. 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