{"id":3374,"date":"2023-12-02T19:28:27","date_gmt":"2023-12-03T03:28:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3374"},"modified":"2023-12-02T19:28:30","modified_gmt":"2023-12-03T03:28:30","slug":"why-you-shouldnt-do-what-i-or-anyone-else-says","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2023\/12\/why-you-shouldnt-do-what-i-or-anyone-else-says","title":{"rendered":"Why You Shouldn\u2019t Do What I (or anyone else!) Says"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Or, How to stop worrying and embrace your quirky self.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Image: Africa Studios<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I get a lot of emails. And Facebook messages. And Quora PMs. Most of them from strangers, a great many of them asking me what they should do in their romantic lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I kinda get it, I do. Relationships are hard. Relationship that don’t fit the socially sanctioned template\u2014kinky relationships, polyamorous relationships, that sort of thing\u2014are especially hard. We don\u2019t have a lot of institutional knowledge about what works and what doesn\u2019t. It\u2019s tough to figure this stuff out on your own, especially<\/em> if you don\u2019t have a community of like-minded folks nearby (and sometimes even then; there are more than a few little subcommunities around alternative relationships that\u2019re deeply, deeply dysfunctional).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But here\u2019s the thing:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is not, and never has been, anyone exactly like you in all the world. There is not, and never has been, anyone like your beloved (or beloveds!) in all the world. This combination has never happened before<\/em>. Nobody\u2014not me, not anyone\u2014can give you a step-by-step guide to Making It Work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Welcome to the Relationship Smorgasboard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Making a relationship work isn\u2019t like building a passenger jet. There\u2019s no handbook, no set of steps to follow that will guarantee you a good result. It\u2019s a lot more like following a recipe, only you don\u2019t have all the ingredients, you do have a bunch of other<\/em> ingredients, and you\u2019re trying the best you can to make it all work. (This recipe calls for Chinese broccoli and I have kale, will that work? Let\u2019s find out!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not saying you can\u2019t listen to other folks, of course. It\u2019s usually much better to learn from other people\u2019s mistakes than from your own. And even the most relaxed cook knows there are some substitutions that simply won\u2019t work; if the recipe calls for milk and flour, using bleach and asbestos in their place is going to lead to tears. There are some parts of the recipe\u2014honesty, communication, integrity, respect\u2014you omit at your peril.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So yeah, when you see someone talking about the importance of communication, or of knowing what you want, or of advocating for oyur needs, those are kinda the milk and butter and eggs of your relationship kitchen\u2014if the recipe calls for them and you don\u2019t have them on hand, expect poor results.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But where relationships differ from cooking, or manufacturing, is that nobody\u2014nobody<\/strong>\u2014can tell you \u201cfollow these exact steps and you\u2019ll have a happy relationship.\u201d Relationships never<\/em> work that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationships are bespoke. All of them. Because there\u2019s never been another you or another person like your beloved, there can be no exactitude, no precision process that will meld you seamlessly into a harmonious whole. You\u2019re gonna have to do at least some of the work at figuring it out yourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What does that mean?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It means it\u2019s on you to figure out what you need, what makes you happy, where your boundaries are, what lights you up. It\u2019s on you to listen, to learn what works for your beloved. And here\u2019s the part nobody else can help you with: it\u2019s on you to find the places of agreement, the overlaps in your interests and needs and drives, and work out how to build your relationship on that spot. It\u2019s on you to negotiate solutions for the inevitable jagged bits that don\u2019t quite line up correctly (because no matter how compatible you may be with someone, you will never mesh perfectly). This:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

is not what relationship compatibility looks like. (Image source<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Difficulty is part of the process. Difficulty comes with the territory. You\u2019re a self-determining organism with a totally unique set of needs, desires, boundaries, fears, and flaws, negotiating a close relationship with another self-determining organism with a different set of needs, desires, boundaries, fears, and flaws. There ain\u2019t no guide who can guarantee a perfect outcome. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being able to make a relationship work means being willing to lean into the mess and the uncertainty, to knowing you\u2019ll have to make some adjustments to the recipe on the fly. It means being open to\u2014in fact, embracing\u2014negotiating the tricky little bits the recipe didn\u2019t warn you about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s okay to acknowledge that difficulty is part of the process. It helps, I find, to use language like \u201cI know this is a hard problem, but I want to work with you to solve it\u201d rather than \u201cI can\u2019t bear to lose you.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And here\u2019s the really hard part, the one that books and relationship columnists and so on might not warn you about:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It has to be okay, if you just can\u2019t make it work, to arrive at a place where you acknowledge that you just aren\u2019t the right people, or if you are the right people it isn\u2019t the right situation, for each other.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It hurts and it sucks, but thee it is. Nobody wants to lose a good relationship. But a relationship you can’t<\/em> lose, makes you a hostage. It\u2019s hard to advocate for your needs when you feel like a hostage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Point is, my relationship is not yours, and never will be. Nobody like you will ever exist again. What works for me might work for you, maybe, in the broad outlines, or it might not…but even if it does, you\u2019re still going to need to make your own substitutions. My kitchen is not yours, and my tastes are not yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Listen to me if you want, take for yourself what works, but never believe that another person can solve your problems for you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Or, How to stop worrying and embrace your quirky self. Image: Africa Studios I get a lot of emails. And Facebook messages. And Quora PMs. Most of them from strangers, a great many of them asking me what they should do in their romantic lives. And I kinda get it, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3374","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy You Shouldn\u2019t Do What I (or anyone else!) 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