{"id":3277,"date":"2023-08-31T21:26:14","date_gmt":"2023-09-01T04:26:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=3277"},"modified":"2023-09-01T16:46:58","modified_gmt":"2023-09-01T23:46:58","slug":"how-do-you-not-feel-jealous","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2023\/08\/how-do-you-not-feel-jealous","title":{"rendered":"\u201cHow do you not feel jealous?\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I recently came across a question on Quora<\/a> that asked how it\u2019s possible not to feel jealousy when you see someone you fancy choose someone else. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As jealousy is a perennial subject amongst those polyamorously inclined, I felt it might be helpful to copy my answer here. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I opened an answer window for this question and then realized, it\u2019s deceptively complicated to answer. How do you describe how not<\/em> to feel a thing? There are ways to describe what a feeling is like, and how you can process a feeling, and tools you can use to manage feelings, and where feelings come from, but\u2026how do you describe the technique for not<\/em> feeling an emotion?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t feel jealous when someone I fancy is with someone else. I have felt jealousy in the past, so I\u2019m not saying I\u2019m, like, magically immune to this basic emotion or anything like that, but I haven\u2019t experienced jealousy in a donkey\u2019s age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why not?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, let me try to take that apart and unpack it a bit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, the shallow, superficial answer is \u201cyou\u2019re polyamorous, Franklin, of course you don\u2019t feel jealous.\u201d And on the one hand that\u2019s kind of absurd, because poly folks can and do experience jealousy\u2014being polyamorous doesn\u2019t exempt one from the palette of basic human emotions, as many poly folks discover to their chagrin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, there is some truth to it. A woman being with someone else doesn\u2019t automatically mean she isn\u2019t available to me, if she\u2019s polyamorous (and of course if she\u2019s not, I don\u2019t want to be with her, so it\u2019s a non-issue). So I don\u2019t have that \u201coh, she\u2019s taken, that means I can never be with her\u201d reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the third hand, that doesn\u2019t really explain it, because people can and do feel jealous of folks that they know they\u2019re incompatible with and wouldn\u2019t choose to be in a relationship with even if they could. So there must be something more than just \u2018I\u2019m polyamorous\u2019 going on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman I fancy dates someone else, in a way that makes her unavailable to me. Maybe she says she\u2019s now polysaturated, and not open to any more partners. Whatever. Point is, she\u2019s dating another bloke and that means I can\u2019t date her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why don\u2019t I get jealous?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For one thing, I genuinely don\u2019t want to be with someone who doesn\u2019t want to be with me. If I fancy her, but she\u2019d rather be with some other bloke, that means she doesn\u2019t really want to be with me, and my attraction to her wanes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been in relationships with people who were only lukewarm about the relationship, many years ago when I was much younger. They were never worth it. (In no small measure because a person who is with you even though she doesn\u2019t really fancy you will often try to change you into someone she does fancy, and that\u2026never ends well. Seriously, choose partners who celebrate who you are, not partners who think who you are is a problem to be worked around.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Plus, people\u2026have the right to not want to date me. If she thinks someone else is a better match for her, and I actually like and respect her, then that kinda means I have to respect her right to make her own choices about her life. Feeling like she should pick me over him necessarily<\/em> implies feeling like she can\u2019t make her own choices. Which, what kind of respect is that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For me, part of loving someone is valuing her happiness. That\u2019s a basic part of love as I understand it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think, though, a core part of it is I am not entitled to another person\u2019s time or attention.<\/em> If she decides not to date me, I don\u2019t feel that something that belongs to me has been taken away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That doesn\u2019t mean I don\u2019t feel anything. I might be disappointed, for example. I might be sad. But what I don\u2019t feel is jealousy.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think jealousy is an emotion made up of other emotions, two of them being insecurity and fear of losing something that rightfully belongs to you. Without those two things, you might feel sorrow or regret or disappointment or whatever, but you\u2019re not likely to feel jealousy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And if she handles it with meanspiritedness or cruelty or dishonesty, I might decide that I don\u2019t want any connection with her at all. But again, that isn\u2019t the same as jealousy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s actually, truly, genuinely okay for someone to say no to me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I recently came across a question on Quora that asked how it\u2019s possible not to feel jealousy when you see someone you fancy choose someone else. As jealousy is a perennial subject amongst those polyamorously inclined, I felt it might be helpful to copy my answer here. 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