{"id":1729,"date":"2014-12-15T22:12:32","date_gmt":"2014-12-16T06:12:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=1729"},"modified":"2015-03-05T14:46:34","modified_gmt":"2015-03-05T22:46:34","slug":"wlamf-no-30-building-not-tearing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-30-building-not-tearing","title":{"rendered":"#WLAMF no. 30: Building up, not tearing down"},"content":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s a common theme to the problem-solving approach we see in many poly relationships: bringing things down to the same level instead of building things up to the same level.<\/p>\n

For example, when a new relationship starts, it often comes bundled with a lot of crazy sexual energy. This sexual passion can be intimidating for someone in an existing relationship, and often, people try to deal with feeling intimidated by trying to put dampers on the new relationship. Don\u2019t have sex in that position! Don\u2019t have so much sex! Only have sex when I am watching, even if you aren\u2019t an exhibitionist! Don\u2019t have sex unless you include me, even if you aren\u2019t into group sex!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not just about sex. This pattern happens in all sorts of other poly situations, too. Intimidated by how much time your partner is spending with the new love? Put limits on it! Worried about how much attention the new person is getting? Place restrictions on the new relationship!<\/p>\n

All these are ways to bring the new relationship \u201cdown\u201d to the level of the existing relationship. We seem to accept as a fact that long-term relationships won\u2019t ever be as fun, appealing, and passionate as new ones, so the thing to do when a new relationship comes along is to deflate it as quickly as possible.<\/p>\n

Perhaps a better approach is to build up to the high point, rather than taking the high point down. Intimidated by the mad, crazy sexual passion of a new relationship? Well, even the most passionate sex in a new relationship is going to be a bit clumsy, because your partner and the new love haven\u2019t had time to learn each other yet. but guess what? You have. You already know the secret library of turn-ons and fantasies, the erotic roadmap of your partner\u2019s body. Use it! There\u2019s no rule that says a long-term relationship has to be sexless; that\u2019s just bullshit invented by lazy sitcom script writers and second-rate standup comedians. I\u2019ve had eighteen-year-long relationships that were still full of crazy, lustful, passionate sex even after all that time.<\/p>\n

Get in there and build an awesome life! Don\u2019t limit your lover\u2019s new partner; make sex with your partner sizzle even more! Don\u2019t waste your time and creative energy worrying about how much fun the new shiny is; use that creative energy to make your life with your lover fun and shiny!<\/p>\n

Bringing every relationship down to the lowest common denominator is a lose-lose approach to relationships. You lose, your partner loses, the new person loses. Building up to the highest peak is a win-win relationship. Ask yourself: when did you start believing that long-term relationships have to be more boring than new ones?<\/p>\n

\n

I’m writing one blog post for every contribution to our crowdfunding<\/a> we receive between now and the end of the campaign at midnight tonight, December 15, 2014. Help support indie publishing! We’re publishing five new books on polyamory in 2015!<\/em><\/p>\n

Like what you\u2019re reading on the More Than Two blog? Buy the book now<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s a common theme to the problem-solving approach we see in many poly relationships: bringing things down to the same level instead of building things up to the same level.<\/p>\n

For example, when a new relationship starts, it often comes bundled with a lot of crazy sexual energy. This sexual passion can be intimidating for someone in an existing relationship, and often, people try to deal with feeling intimidated by trying to put dampers on the new relationship. Don\u2019t have sex in that position! Don\u2019t have so much sex! Only have sex when I am watching, even if you aren\u2019t an exhibitionist! Don\u2019t have sex unless you include me, even if you aren\u2019t into group sex!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1729","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-polyamory-2"],"yoast_head":"\n#WLAMF no. 30: Building up, not tearing down - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-30-building-not-tearing\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"#WLAMF no. 30: Building up, not tearing down - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"There\u2019s a common theme to the problem-solving approach we see in many poly relationships: bringing things down to the same level instead of building things up to the same level. 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