{"id":1723,"date":"2014-12-15T18:57:09","date_gmt":"2014-12-16T02:57:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?p=1723"},"modified":"2015-03-05T14:47:33","modified_gmt":"2015-03-05T22:47:33","slug":"wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights","title":{"rendered":"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights"},"content":{"rendered":"

Way back in 2003, I proposed a “secondary’s bill of rights” for polyamorous relationships. This Bill of Rights, much of which was written by my partner Shelly, came out of our attempts to navigate the hierarchical relationship I was in at the time with my ex-wife. My wife and I\u00a0had radically different goals in relationship (I am intrinsically polyamorous, whereas she identifies as monogamous; I wanted to be free to let other people in to my heart, while she preferred to be the only person I loved, or, failing that, the one I loved the most), and the hierarchies we had in place were our clumsy attempt to negotiate those differences.<\/p>\n

We made our rules with little or no thought to the effects they might have on other people. When I\u00a0started dating Shelly, she found that the rules we had in place disempowered her…which is, when you get right down to it, exactly what they were supposed to do.<\/p>\n

So Shelly and I\u00a0hashed out the first draft of the Secondary’s Bill of Rights, which still exists on the site today<\/a>, though it hasn’t been updated in rather a long time.<\/p>\n

My own ideas about polyamory have changed and evolved over time. In fact, I plan eventually to write an essay about how they’ve changed.<\/p>\n

If I were to go back and revisit the Secondary’s Bill of Rights today, I would likely add a new element to it:<\/p>\n

I have a right to be aware of problems in the existing relationship.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

“Relationship broken, add more people” is such fertile ground for problems in polyamory that it’s a trope among many poly folks. Consent to a relationship–any relationship–is valid only if it’s informed, and informed consent in polyamory, particularly in prescriptive primary\/secondary hierarchies, means disclosing things at a high probability of causing drama or harm.<\/p>\n

Yet many couples facing problems in their relationship are reluctant to disclose those problems to a perceived outsider. Even if that outsider is, in theory, someone that one or both of them loves.<\/p>\n

It’s hard to talk openly, especially about problems or failings. Disclosure makes us vulnerable, and vulnerability is often uncomfortable.<\/p>\n

But people have a right to know what they’re getting into, at least in general terms. There might not be a need to air every bit of dirty laundry, every he-said-she-said argument. But when there are serious structural issues in a relationship, they can put new people in an extremely vulnerable position. Integrity and compassion demands we let people know what kinds of problems they may face.<\/p>\n

\n

I’m writing one blog post for every contribution to our crowdfunding<\/a> we receive between now and the end of the campaign at midnight tonight, December 15, 2014. Help support indie publishing! We’re publishing five new books on polyamory in 2015!<\/em><\/p>\n

Like what you\u2019re reading on the More Than Two blog? Buy the book now<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Way back in 2003, I proposed a “secondary’s bill of rights” for polyamorous relationships. This Bill of Rights, much of which was written by my partner Shelly, came out of our attempts to navigate the hierarchical relationship I was in at the time with my ex-wife. My wife and I had radically different goals in relationship (I am intrinsically polyamorous, whereas she identifies as monogamous; I wanted to be free to let other people in to my heart, while she preferred to be the only person I loved, or, failing that, the one I loved the most), and the hierarchies we had in place were our clumsy attempt to negotiate those differences.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[30,31,32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1723","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-crowdfunding-2","category-ethics-2","category-polyamory-2"],"yoast_head":"\n#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights - More Than Two\u2122<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights - More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Way back in 2003, I proposed a "secondary's bill of rights" for polyamorous relationships. This Bill of Rights, much of which was written by my partner Shelly, came out of our attempts to navigate the hierarchical relationship I was in at the time with my ex-wife. My wife and I had radically different goals in relationship (I am intrinsically polyamorous, whereas she identifies as monogamous; I wanted to be free to let other people in to my heart, while she preferred to be the only person I loved, or, failing that, the one I loved the most), and the hierarchies we had in place were our clumsy attempt to negotiate those differences.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"More Than Two\u2122\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/franklinveaux\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/franklinveaux\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-12-16T02:57:09+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2015-03-05T22:47:33+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Franklin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@https:\/\/twitter.com\/franklinveaux\/\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Franklin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"2 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Franklin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/d9df7f7aa8aa0270c62f40242ffcc798\"},\"headline\":\"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights\",\"datePublished\":\"2014-12-16T02:57:09+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2015-03-05T22:47:33+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights\"},\"wordCount\":493,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/d9df7f7aa8aa0270c62f40242ffcc798\"},\"articleSection\":[\"Crowdfunding\",\"Ethics\",\"Polyamory\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights\",\"name\":\"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights - More Than Two\u2122\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2014-12-16T02:57:09+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2015-03-05T22:47:33+00:00\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/2014\\\/12\\\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/\",\"name\":\"More Than Two\u2122\",\"description\":\"Franklin Veaux\u2019s polyamory blog\",\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/d9df7f7aa8aa0270c62f40242ffcc798\"},\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":[\"Person\",\"Organization\"],\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/d9df7f7aa8aa0270c62f40242ffcc798\",\"name\":\"Franklin\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2020\\\/05\\\/franklin-about.jpg\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2020\\\/05\\\/franklin-about.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2020\\\/05\\\/franklin-about.jpg\",\"width\":200,\"height\":200,\"caption\":\"Franklin\"},\"logo\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.morethantwo.com\\\/blog\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2020\\\/05\\\/franklin-about.jpg\"},\"sameAs\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/www.facebook.com\\\/franklinveaux\",\"https:\\\/\\\/www.instagram.com\\\/franklinveaux\\\/\",\"https:\\\/\\\/x.com\\\/https:\\\/\\\/twitter.com\\\/franklinveaux\\\/\"]}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights - More Than Two\u2122","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights - More Than Two\u2122","og_description":"Way back in 2003, I proposed a \"secondary's bill of rights\" for polyamorous relationships. This Bill of Rights, much of which was written by my partner Shelly, came out of our attempts to navigate the hierarchical relationship I was in at the time with my ex-wife. My wife and I had radically different goals in relationship (I am intrinsically polyamorous, whereas she identifies as monogamous; I wanted to be free to let other people in to my heart, while she preferred to be the only person I loved, or, failing that, the one I loved the most), and the hierarchies we had in place were our clumsy attempt to negotiate those differences.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights","og_site_name":"More Than Two\u2122","article_publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/franklinveaux","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/franklinveaux","article_published_time":"2014-12-16T02:57:09+00:00","article_modified_time":"2015-03-05T22:47:33+00:00","author":"Franklin","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@https:\/\/twitter.com\/franklinveaux\/","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Franklin","Est. reading time":"2 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights"},"author":{"name":"Franklin","@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/d9df7f7aa8aa0270c62f40242ffcc798"},"headline":"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights","datePublished":"2014-12-16T02:57:09+00:00","dateModified":"2015-03-05T22:47:33+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights"},"wordCount":493,"commentCount":0,"publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/d9df7f7aa8aa0270c62f40242ffcc798"},"articleSection":["Crowdfunding","Ethics","Polyamory"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights","url":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights","name":"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights - More Than Two\u2122","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/#website"},"datePublished":"2014-12-16T02:57:09+00:00","dateModified":"2015-03-05T22:47:33+00:00","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/wlamf-no-23-relationship-rights#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"#WLAMF no. 23: Relationship rights"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/","name":"More Than Two\u2122","description":"Franklin Veaux\u2019s polyamory blog","publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/d9df7f7aa8aa0270c62f40242ffcc798"},"potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":["Person","Organization"],"@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/d9df7f7aa8aa0270c62f40242ffcc798","name":"Franklin","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/franklin-about.jpg","url":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/franklin-about.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/franklin-about.jpg","width":200,"height":200,"caption":"Franklin"},"logo":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/franklin-about.jpg"},"sameAs":["https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/franklinveaux","https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/franklinveaux\/","https:\/\/x.com\/https:\/\/twitter.com\/franklinveaux\/"]}]}},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3GGqb-rN","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1723","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1723"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1723\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1957,"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1723\/revisions\/1957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1723"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1723"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.morethantwo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1723"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}